


but do you regret it?

by moltenvintagelacedress



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: ? not rly., Alternate Universe, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Coming of Age, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Light Angst, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, ah wait, bc the authors a piece of shit who couldnt finish, should be it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-07-24 22:29:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 24,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20022070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moltenvintagelacedress/pseuds/moltenvintagelacedress
Summary: "So you're telling me, Hyuck, that you of all people ran into Mark Lee at a concert you didn't even want to be at, and have been texting and meeting up with him secretly since?""Yes?""You owe me money for that fucking concert ticket."(or: mark is an idol and hyuck isnt; cue a tumultuous midsummer romance in the middle of spring.)





	1. we had a promise made (we were in love)

**Author's Note:**

> this was originally supposed to be a starstruck au. it is now only very loosely inspired by starstruck.
> 
> [here's](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1GVz1n3xYLgcSVdvxnaq8i) a link to the playlist for the first chapter !
> 
> so i'm gonna ramble more at the end but this chapter became a lot more than i expected it to. please enjoy.
> 
> big thank u to val, chai, zoe, mae, and ilke for all looking over the work (or one scene of it) (or for forcing me to add in indigestion) and giving their two cents. thank u to chance for promising to eventually read it once it's complete sdnsjsjd. i am so grateful for the help and i literally would've never been able to finish this without u
> 
> edit 7/13/20: this is. very rough. it isnt very good and id like to rework this idea one day but for now read this and indulge in last summer me's greatest accomplishment and also. Please read my shorter stuff if ur interested. it is infinitely better than this mess.

**_Day 0: Sunday_ **

He was just trying to be a good friend.

Lee Donghyuck didn’t give a shit about kpop; actually, scratch that. He did, truly, just not necessarily the way his friends did. Although he tried not to bring his friends down for their interests, he thought it was kinda sick how idols were treated. At one point, he  _ was _ a  _ minor _ fan of an idol, before he fell into a rabbit-hole of articles on the seedy underbelly of the industry and one-too-many Twitter conspiracy theory threads about mysterious idol deaths people believed were murders. It just made him feel gross, period, and so he exited the scene as quickly as he had entered.

But when Chenle, Jaemin, and Jeno had asked him to go to a concert with them (not  _ just _ because he was the only one who could drive; Jeno emphasized that before he’d even asked), he felt it was right. It was okay that he wasn’t a fan of Mark’s music because he could always look up his title tracks the week of, and really he did enjoy concerts. 

The thing is though, Donghyuck apparently had the worst goddamn luck in Los Angeles.

After the concert, Chenle had to go to the bathroom and Jeno and Jaemin were busy talking to a friend of theirs, so Donghyuck decided to go sit in the car until they were done. Unfortunately, somebody was running and he didn’t realize it until the man had landed,  _ hard _ , on the concrete.

“Shit,” Donghyuck dropped to the ground leaning over the man to look at his face. “I’m so fucking s-- _ oh _ .”

It was Mark motherfucking Lee. An idol who, to Donghyuck’s knowledge, should have been inside the venue until it was cleared for him to leave, and even then should have been surrounded by security.

Donghyuck started waving his hand in front of Mark’s face, because irregardless he could’ve actually injured the dude and also he  _ really _ could not get sued. Mark groaned and tried to sit up, but Donghyuck pushed him back down by his shoulders.

¨Stay down for a sec, you don’t want to get up too quickly.” Donghyuck sighed and looked around. They were near the entrance to the venue and although he wasn’t sure if it was safe to, they needed to move quickly before anybody noticed.

“Mark, do you have anyone I can call?” Mark released a breath, opening his eyes to look at Donghyuck.

“Yes, but I’m gonna get shit if I do,” Donghyuck sighed, looking around exasperatedly once more before turning back to Mark.

“Well, in that case, we need to fucking move before your ass gets caught.”

Mark groaned as he got up, and Donghyuck hurried to let Mark lean on him. They started walking in the direction Mark had came, further away from the bright lights from the open doors and loitering fans.

“No offense, but why the hell did you think it was a good idea for  _ you _ to go on a walk? Alone?”

“Needed space.” Mark muttered, before rolling his eyes. “Although, to be fair, this hasn’t ever happened to me, so,”

Donghyuck released a breath. They were walking away from the parking lot, where his friends would be waiting, and he wondered what would happen if they did end up going back to his managers. He would probably get a restraining order filed against him, maybe even blacklisted as a saesang or some shit, and as a senior in highschool he did not need that shit on top of finals and the all-consuming graduation oblivion.

“Okay, give me a second,” Mark let go of Donghyuck’s arm and Donghyuck watched as he walked to the side of the pavement, kneeling down and from what Donghyuck could tell, trying not to puke. Not Good.

“You probably have a concussion, Mark. We need to get you somewhere.”

Mark groaned at him. “No shit. Give me a second, at least.”

And he did. Donghyuck took the time to pull out his phone, where Jeno had already left a couple of texts asking where he was.

_ hey we finally got done...on our way out _

_ where are you?? did you go back inside for us or something?? _

Right as he started typing out a bullshit reply, his phone started vibrating. He swore before swiping to accept the call.

“Donghyuck, did you go back into the venue?”

“Uhm...yeah, was gonna go looking for you guys,” Mark turned around, and before he could say anything he mouthed for Mark to  _ shut up _ .

“I’m going to use the bathroom then be right out, sorry for not texting,” He laughed a short, breathy laugh, before they said their goodbyes and Jeno hung up.

Before he could even ask, Mark stood up and gestured with his phone, saying he had someone that could help him out.

“That’s good, I need to get back with my friends...what, Mark?” Mark had started shaking his head, and the corner of his mouth started quirking up.

“You’re going with me to the hospital,”

“Are you shitting me?”

“No, actually,” Mark started walking towards him, stopping in front of him. “ _ You _ are the one that knocked me over, so  _ you _ should be the one to get me to the hospital.”

Donghyuck was fuming. Mark Lee had the fucking audacity to blame him for his unfortunate fall, when  _ Mark _ was the one who went out without any form of security, running nonetheless in an area filled with people, in the dark!

“Dude, I am sorry about all of this, but I have friends that will be stuck here without a ride and I am technically responsible for them.” Donghyuck did feel bad, he did, but Mark could go with whatever friend he said could help him to the hospital.

“I can have my friend take them, it’s no big deal,”

“Then what car are we taking, huh?” Donghyuck glared at Mark, shaking his head. “What do I tell my friends when some random guy shows up at the car and says he’s taking them home? This is fucking ridiculous, Mark.”

“Fine,” Mark sighed again, and Donghyuck wanted to punch him. It was not in the plan to knock a goddamn celebrity to the ground and become responsible for them, it shouldn’t have been his responsibility in the first place.

“Let’s make a deal then,” Mark broke the silence that had settled between them, and Donghyuck gestured for him to explain.

“You can take your friends home and I’ll have my friend take me to the hospital, but I want your number.”

Donghyuck froze. “What?”

Mark smirked at him, “I’ll get your number in case I am injured in some way, and you can pay me back.”

“I am a  _ high school _ student.” Donghyuck deadpanned, wondering just how fucking obnoxious Mark could be. He was what--eighteen? Nineteen? How could he be so insensitive? Could the entertainment industry actually delude people like this?

“But you can pay it off over time,” Mark leaned closer, handing Donghyuck his phone. “I won’t even add interest, and you can choose how long you have to pay it off.”

Donghyuck eyed his phone warily. On the one hand, he should pay off the medical bills because he did play a part in the injury. On the other hand though, Mark was rich and he also had some play in it. But reluctantly, he took the phone just to get it over with.

“You’ll only text me to let me know if you’re okay?”

“Of course,” Mark nodded at him, and Donghyuck added his number and handed the phone back to him.

“Your name’s Donghyuck?” He nodded once at him before waving and turning on his heel back to the parking lot.

He was a mixture of emotions; he was confused and tired and a tiny bit scared. It was supposed to just be a simple concert with his friends, but now he had the threat of somebody else’s medical bills looming over him, that someone being a semi-major celebrity who could sue him at any point in time and probably win. 

When he finally got to his car, he could see Chenle on the ground leaning on the passenger door and Jeno and Jaemin talking quietly by the hood, worry dripping from their faces.

“Hey!” Jeno’s head snapped up when Donghyuck called out to them and a smile of relief overtook his face.

“Hey,” Donghyuck walked past the two of them, unlocking the driver’s door without another word. Jeno and Jaemin gave each other a look before the rest of them filed into the car, silence elastic and tensing.

“Sorry for taking so long, Hyuck,” Jaemin called from the backseat, and once Hyuck had heard 3 clicks from seatbelts, he started the car.

“It’s fine, don’t worry...indigestion. I’m ready to get home though,” Donghyuck choked out a laugh and turned the radio on and--of fucking course, it was a Mark Lee song. It was one of his more calm songs, one they’d heard that night, having elements from r&b while keeping this...aura. As he pulled out, he tried to think of some synonym to describe why Mark’s music was so fucking popular--it was almost preternatural, in a way. Although it was only chords in specific keys and syllables divided perfectly to give it an edge, it was so bizarre how perfectly Mark got his music.

"So how did y'all like the concert?" Jaemin asked, leaning his seat back as far as it would allow. Donghyuck tensed, so slightly he himself barely noticed, really just wanting to ignore the entire night prior.

"It was amazing--Mark is so interesting on stage." Chenle had a not-so-subtle crush on Mark, which was a part of the reason he was so interested in him, but he was also reasonable and enjoyed his music as well.

"His concerts are so mellow, for an idol," Jeno added. “He doesn’t have as much choreo and like I  _ know _ that’s part of the appeal of kpop, but I don’t know, it makes everything so much less, y’know?”

“What about you, Hyuck?” Jaemin asked him smugly, turning down the radio slightly. “I know you don’t really like him, but do you really think he’s that bad?”

Donghyuck scoffed, hurrying to mask it as a cough.

“He’s...fine. I don’t really know him as a person, but his music is decent. I liked that one song, Sentimental?”

“Oh! Yeah, that was from his debut album. It kinda reminds me of lofi.”

“Yeah, it has some jazz or r&b influence. It’s so interesting, I like all the layers to his music and his tone.” From the back, Jaemin started to laugh at him.” Oh, shut  _ up _ Jaemin, I’ve taken choir for ten years, of course I’m gonna dissect the music.”

But due to Jaemin’s laughter, he realized just how seriously he was taking the conversation and changed the station (resulting in Chenle and Jaemin calling out shouts of indignation), and tried to excuse himself from the conversation as quickly as possible, and the elastic silence from earlier relaxed, bit by bit.

Later, once Chenle had been dropped off and Jeno and Jaemin were settled on an air mattress on the floor of his room, Donghyuck was scrolling through Twitter, ignoring the clock in the top corner of his screen reminding him just how early it was for a now Monday morning. Although he would never even admit it to himself, he was waiting for that text from Mark; he needed to know if he had to pick up a job, maybe even a second one to pay back any possible medical bills, not even accounting for the fact Mark might’ve gone to one of the many hospitals in L.A. with world renowned staff that cost several thousand more than he could imagine being charged.

_ it’s mark lee (◕ ワ ◕✿) _

Donghyuck shook his head at the text, clicking on it and saving the contact under  _ spoiled pussy boy _ .

_ please never use that emote ever again _

He went to go back to Twitter, assuming Mark was one of those people that took ages to reply to texts, but only about a minute later his screen was covered by another text.

_ why not (◕︿◕✿) _

_ nevermind. are u okay? _

_ awe, are u worried abt me (˵◕ ɛ ◕˵✿) cute _

Donghyuck made a noise and rolled his eyes, typing out  _ no, you fuckin weirdo, just tell me if i owe you anything. _

_ ˚‧º·( 。ᗒ ‸ ◕✿) no, im okay, but you should still talk to me im rly fun !!!!!! _

He almost left Mark on read and put down his phone, he  _ almost _ did. But it was nearing three in the morning and everything seems better at night, when there are only shadows and all the lines seem to blur together.

_ fine, what do u want to talk about? _

_ aaaa yay !! (◕∇◕✿) first i want to kno how old u are ? ur in high school but u dont seem that much younger than me _

_ i’m eighteen, one of the oldest in my grade. _

_ oh !!(◕∇◕✿) is senior year in public school as bad as they all say ? i havent been in a school since junior high  _

_ i thought u went till ur freshman year? and its stressful but its worse for the AP and honors kids _

_? no i left in the middle of eighth grade _

_ i miss it sometimes _

When he heard rustling from across the room, Donghyuck clicked his phone off and turned to see Jeno leaning up against the wall behind the mattress.

“Why’re you still up?” He whispered, rubbing his eyes.

“Oh, just,” Donghyuck shrugged minutely. “Couldn’t sleep.”

“Oh.”

That was the end of talking to Mark Lee for the night.

**_Day 1: Monday_ **

Donghyuck wouldn't hear from him again until the very end of his eighth period study hall, where he was attempting to take a nap while Jeno retook his precal test. His phone vibrated in his pocket, and he sighed before unlocking it

_ why'd u ignore me (◕‸ ◕✿) _

_ fell asleep is all. _

_ oh okie good !! but hey do u want do go driving tonight ?? _

His eyebrows furrowed. Why was Mark Lee asking him to go on a drive? From what he knew, Mark did have friends he could talk to and it wasn't as if it was all too safe for an idol to be going out into a city he wasn't familiar with and with a boy he wasn’t familiar with. But maybe Mark was lonely--Donghyuck knew that a lot of celebrity children and teenagers in Hollywood felt disconnected from the friends they did have, and he had no idea what it would be like in the idol industry. So, Donghyuck decided to suspend his disbelief for a night.

_ is that okay with ur team??? _

Mark took a bit to reply this time, making Donghyuck wonder if he went against his company's wishes often. His company was one that had issues with the law in the past pertaining to abuse of artists and trainees alike, and even though it was one of the top labels it wasn't super consistent in terms of promotion of their artists and fair treatment overall.

Donghyuck had read a lot of articles when he stopped supporting kpop.

_ no, but lucas knos, if they need anything he can tell them _

_ what if i say no? _

_ will u? (◕ˉ◕✿) _

He sat for a moment. He didn't really have much against Mark; his music wasn't that bad, maybe a bit shallow, and he was entitled and somewhat bratty. But there was also nothing explicitly saying that Mark was an awful evil person, just a little disillusioned to how life was.

_ i guess u caught me _

_ (◕∇◕✿) yay !!!! send me ur address + a time and i can pick u up ? _

_ that works _

"Hyuck, who're you texting?" Jeno's voice made Donghyuck jump in his seat, turning his phone face over on the desk before looking behind him at Jeno.

“Oh, just my mom,” Hyuck rolled his eyes dramatically to get his lie across smoother.

Jeno just nodded and gave him a little  _ oh _ before jumping into a story from the night before, whenever Donghyuck had decided to disappear.

“No, dude, it was fucking hilarious walking in and seeing Jisung--yeah, that’s his name, he’s adorable-- literally jump  _ backwards _ away from Chenle. I wish they’d just start dating already but they’re young so I can’t give them too much shit--Hyuck, are you even paying attention to me?”

Donghyuck jerked to attention, a blush spreading across his face as he realized he just completely ignored what Jeno just said.

“Sorry, I’m still really tired from last night,” Jeno nodded sympathetically at him before a little smirk overtook his face.

“Are you sure you were texting your mom earlier?” He scoots his desk closer to talk quieter, even though there was only six other kids in the class with them and none of them were paying attention to them.

“What do you mean?”

“I was awake a while before I made any noise, you know.” Donghyuck thinks back to last night when Jeno woke up and he had to put his phone up. He tried to think if he acted weirdly or suspiciously but the interaction was so bland he had no idea why he was bringing it up.

“And?”

“You shut off your phone pretty quickly...just like you did now. And usually you stay on your phone when you talk to us.”

“What does that have to do with anything, dude?”

“All I wanted to say is that if you’re talking to someone, you can tell me. Or Jaemin, or whomever.” The bell rang overhead, and Jeno stood up and pushed the desk back to its original spot and started walking away.

Donghyuck grabbed his bag and phone before leaving the room, following the mass of students to the front door and checking his phone absentmindedly. In the five minutes he was off of his phone, give or take, Mark had sent him six messages about absolutely nothing. Even so, Donghyuck started typing out a reply to all of them.

Mark came to pick him up around eight (with his mother’s permission, of course), and he really didn’t know how to behave. Texting him had gotten easier but he didn’t know if there was any unspoken rules for interacting with a k-idol alone in a moving vehicle. So for a while they both just sat in silence, unsure of how to move forward and scared of misstepping.

“Do you have any music you want to listen to? Take the aux cord, I don’t really give a shit.”

“Aight, just a warning though my music taste is a bit...chaotic.”

Mark laughed at Donghyuck’s admission. “What do you mean by  _ chaotic _ ?”

“Like it’s a mix of indie rock and music off of romcom soundtracks. I have no rules when it comes to making playlists even if it doesn’t make sense.”

“That’s valid,” The first song off of Donghyuck’s shuffled playlist started playing, and it was a mellow almost country-sounding song. The voice was ragged, a hint of an accent of some sort to it. The instrumental was simple, just a basic guitar strumming.

“I like this one because it’s really calming. I found it years ago and I forget about it sometimes, but it always finds its way into my playlist.”  
“Yeah, I get you. My music taste is more…well, electronic,” Donghyuck watched as Mark laughed shortly and made a random turn, driving down one of the many backroads behind his neighborhood.

"See, I get that, and I do listen to some bands that are more electronic, but most of them use that to cover up the fact they can't sing."

Mark laughed for real this time, and Donghyuck couldn't help but smile. His laugh made you feel comfortable, soothed any discomfort.

"What bands fall under that category?"

"The 1975, for one," Donghyuck looked over at him, shocked, when Mark gasped.

"What? Do you  _ like _ them?"

"Uh, yeah,"

"They're fucking drug addicts! Their music showcases that clearly!"

"But it's  _ cool _ , dude," They both started laughing and they drove in silence, for a moment or two, before Mark broke it with another question.

“Do you make playlists often or do you just keep adding and replacing songs as you go along?”

“I usually make one for each school year and summer, ever since junior high it’s just been something that came to me. I like associating songs with certain memories, you know.” Donghyuck hummed before turning to look at Mark.

“What about you? We’re always talking about me, tell me something about you that I can’t just google.”

Mark went quiet for a bit. The next song on Donghyuck’s playlist came on, a punk-rock, heavy guitar and drums song that he just envied the sound of.

“I don’t really know,” Mark eventually said, “I guess.”

Donghyuck sighed dramatically, rolling his eyes sarcastically.

“What, do you just have nothing interesting to say or do you just don’t know what to say?” Mark shrugged at him and he sighed again.

“Just tell me something that you’ve never told anyone. Something random as shit, something embarrassing, I don’t care. Let me feel special that I, Lee Donghyuck, know something about Mark Lee nobody else does.”

“Oh, stop being obnoxious,” Mark sits for a while and Donghyuck turns his attention back to the road. They've been driving for a while and off-handedly Donghyuck wonders if Mark even knows how to get back home but for some reason he's not too worried.

"I have one.

"Back when I still went to school, there was this girl I really liked. I don't even remember her name, like I think it started with an L or a T or something,"

"Layla? Trinity?"

"No, neither, I don't even know," Mark coughed out a laugh. "Basically, I tried flirting with her. Keep in mind this is like, predebut Mark Lee. Twelve year old Mark Lee with barely an idea of how to interact with the guys in my class to make  _ friends _ , nonetheless any idea how to flirt.

"So we're like semi-close in that way you are with people in grade seven. I touched her shoulder a lot, that was the most of it, I think, which is fucking hilarious because I fucking hate touching people. Well like after a month or so of this and her not even reacting in like disgust or anything resembling her even  _ acknowledging _ it, I just decide to apologize and come clean and shit. And I'm shaking, I'm so nervous to tell this girl that I had a crush on her and was sorry if I made her uncomfortable. You want to know what she fucking told me?"

"No? I'm assuming she rejected you?"

"She said she thought it was a gay thing."

Donghyuck lost his shit. He started laughing  _ hard _ , like the kind of laughing where you don't have enough air to laugh but you can't stop because it feels good to laugh and also it's fucking hilarious.

"Are you shitting me? Deadass?"

"Deadass, Hyuck," Donghyuck choked out another laugh, ignoring the nickname that Mark used before they fell back into more conversation over nothing. Unfamiliarity charged the air, the excitement of finding out new things about a new person running through their veins.

Eventually they parked in the shoulder of a road, and Mark mentioned how he would've taken him somewhere in town but he didn't want to risk getting spotted, but Donghyuck didn't mind. He liked the quiet of the roads, the feeling of the humid heat drifting in through the open windows and sunroof.

They were out till Donghyuck's curfew, just barely making it home in time. He was exhausted, running on just a few hours of sleep from the night before and the adrenaline of the endless conversation, but he felt content. Satisfied.

"Do you want to do this again tomorrow?" Mark asked as he pulled into his driveway, voice quieter and maybe even a bit more shy. Donghyuck nodded at him.

"Yeah, that's fine. Can I say though, you're a lot less confident in real life than you are over text."

Donghyuck watched as Mark pouted--yes,  _ pouted _ \--at his statement and wondered why it was so endearing.

"I've never heard that before."

"Maybe because nobody's ever felt like they're allowed to. Don't worry, though," Donghyuck smiled at him before opening his door and jumping out. "It's cute."

Mark only drove away once he saw Donghyuck was in his house and gave him one last wave.

**_Day 2: Tuesday_ **

The day after Jisung joined them at their table, shyly asking if he could sit next to Chenle where Jaemin was all-too happy to move from.

"So you're a sophomore, right?" Jeno asked as he unwrapped his sandwich.

Jisung nodded with a small smile on his face. "Yeah, but I have a hard time making friends in my own class. Everyone's so...much."

Donghyuck laughed, Jeno hitting him on the shoulder and he put up his hands, signalling he was about to start explaining himself.

"Chenle is a lot," Chenle glared at him from across the table and he rolled his eyes. "You know it too, Chenle, don't even try to deny it."

Right then his phone lit up, and Jeno tried to sneak a peak before Donghyuck tilted it out of view.

_ are u at lunch ? im bored (◕__◕✿) _

_ don't u have other friends u can talk to? _

_ yes but ur more fun (◕︿◕✿) _

_ i highly doubt that, mark. _

"Who are you texting, Hyuck, and why won't you tell me?" Jeno's voice carried over to him and Donghyuck sighed.

"I love you but it's really not that serious, Jen,"

"Then why won't you tell me?"

"I just can't."

Jaemin's voice cut through their conversation and he was glad to hear he either wasn't listening in or didn't give a shit.

"Jeno, Chenle, did you see this?" Jaemin slid his phone over to Chenle and then Jeno. Both of their faces sunk instantly.

"What's wrong?" Donghyuck looked over Jeno's shoulder to see a headline on some gossip site.

**_Mark Lee Attacked by Saesang?_ **

"What the fuck?" Jeno scrolled down to see pictures from the concert they went to and--yeah, Donghyuck would fucking bet it was him in the picture. His face was censored, however.

"I did some more digging and it's safe to assume that Mark's okay, I'm just really confused how it happened. Like," Jaemin took his phone back before he scrolled on the article again to point out one picture--one where Mark was very obviously leaning on Donghyuck and due to the context could be perceived as forced, with the way his arm was wrapped around his waist.

"This should've never been able to happen. Not even mentioning that picture, but the fact that they got that close in the first place. Where was his staff? Bodyguards?"

"We all know his company is shit," Jeno voiced, but Donghyuck was far in his head. The exact thing he was worried about happening had happened, over something so fucking mundane. He unlocked his phone again and typed out a message, ignoring whatever Mark had sent him.

_ you texted me because of the leak, didn't you? _

_...yes. _

"Hey, I'm gonna go to the bathroom," Donghyuck ignored the calls from his friends warning him about the bell before he went to Mark's contact and called him.

"Are you okay?” Donghyuck was quiet as he slid into the bathroom, hoping nobody came in while he was talking to him.

"Yeah, I'm fine...my teams confused why it was posted so late though. They're pissed at me, obviously. I think they're just more worried about this dying down though."

"Are you sure, Mark? I'm sorry if I got you into any trouble…"

"No. This was my decision, Hyuck. Entirely mine. I'm gonna have some consequences, yeah, but I know how to take care of myself."

Donghyuck was quiet for a minute.

"You know I don't really believe you."

"I know. We still on for tonight?"

"Only if you're allowed."

He ended his call as soon as the bell rang, Jeno outside the door with his bag in hand.

"Don't ask, please."

"I wasn't going to."

Donghyuck couldn't shake his nerves for the rest of the day. He had ended up googling the story himself and looking through Twitter, and he was grateful to see no one had at least publicly found his identity. Vaguely he wondered if the uncensored pictures would ever be released and why they were censored in the first place, but towards his last period he stopped caring.

He was worried about Mark. A boy that came off incredibly privileged and obnoxious was just that...just a little less obnoxious when he wasn't in public. What he understood, though, was that it wasn't intentional. Mark Lee was a persona, a stage presence; Mark was just a nineteen year old Canadian with a very generic taste in music and a lost sense of self.

When the bell rang, Donghyuck was back on his phone, texting and asking Mark if they could meet up sooner.

Mark told him he'd be in his driveway once he got home, and as he drove home he couldn't stop his mind from wandering. It had been nearly three days since he met Mark; he'd spent maybe a total of twelve hours with him face to face. That only made him want to see him more; to see what else he'd learned to hide, things Mark himself may have forgotten existed. He wanted to find places they could hide together and be safe. Truly, he just wanted to be with him.

That scared him the most.

**_Day 3: Wednesday_ **

Donghyuck started falling into a routine; get home, finish any homework he had before Mark's schedules finished, and then go fuck around with Mark till the early morning hours. His mom had stopped caring about much of anything he did at the beginning of the second semester not because she didn't care, but because she knew her son. Donghyuck wasn't interested in continuing school or getting a degree. And he told this to Mark on Wednesday, the night after the leak, the first night they'd ended up downtown searching for some fast-food.

"You really don't want to go to college?" Mark was genuinely confused by Donghyuck's statement, brows knitted together.

"Nah, I'm not a school person. Why're you so shocked though?"

Mark shrugged vaguely. "Just kinda grew up thinking it was the only option for success. The idol thing didn't come up till...later."

"But is success the only thing we should hope for?" Donghyuck wondered as they pulled into a chain drive-in diner.

Their conversation was put on hold while they ordered. It felt like they were stilted, at odds; it was kind of like there was a funhouse mirror effect on the atmosphere in the car. Everything seemed distorted and unfamiliar.

"I don't really know what more to hope for," Mark's voice came back muted, as if the tension in the car muffled it with a layer of uncertainty.

"I just want to be happy, really," Donghyuck made grabby hands for the bag when their car hop knocked on their window, and Mark passed him the bag of food and settled their ice cream into the cup holders.

"Happy for me means not going to college." He continued as he dug in for his burger and fries, putting the bag on the floor. "It's not stable, of course. But I think I'd rather live with my mom for an extra year or two while I figure out what I wanted to do instead of going to learn more shit I don't care about."

There was another silence. Mark's music came in through the speakers, quietly, and Donghyuck realized he didn't entirely hate it. It was really weird and misplaced for being off of Mark's playlist. It was entirely instrumental, with piano and some sort of string instrument--cello or bass, he wouldn't know. It was pretty though.

"Did I tell you how long I was gonna be in L.A. for?" Donghyuck shook his head.

"I have, like, seven more days I think--well, technically six, after tonight. After this we're done with the American leg, and they're about to announce the Europe dates."

"How long are you gonna be touring for?"

Mark just scoffed. "A month or two more, I think. We're going to England for like a week, then France. A couple other smaller dates in Europe, then we have a couple days in Mexico. Canada's gonna be last, y'know, like a grand finale."

"That's shit."

Mark just hummed. It was sinking in again how overworked idols were, how  _ used _ they were. Entertainers sign up to be used for other people's amusement; that was literally in their job description. But he wondered what the difference was between being used for entertainment and being used as a toy.

"Wait!" Mark came to a sudden stop at an empty intersection, making Donghyuck's heart jump into his throat, the  _ pumPumpumPum _ traveling into his ears. He was about to yell at Mark when he started talking.

"I just realized you have, like, no kpop in your playlist. At all. Not even my music. Is that an English exclusive playlist or what?" Mark was unusually exuberant, Donghyuck would say he was almost smiling. He spoke, hesitantly.

"I...don't like kpop. I was only there at that concert because my friends needed a ride."

"Hah!" Mark started driving again, an eerie smile on his face.

"What, Mark?" Donghyuck was very confused and couldn't tell what Mark was thinking. It wasn't something that had really occurred to him at all, beyond the fact that Mark was famous and thus what they could do was limited.

"Oh, nothing," Mark smiled over at him, quickly. "I mean, in a way, it's kinda like fate. Opposites attract, that kinda bullshit."

"Mark. I have known you for three days."

"But you met me because of some bullshit coincidence! The stars aligned for us to meet!"

"Please stop being dramatic, it’s literally not that big a deal!"

"Stop killing all of my fun!"

Mark pulled into Donghyuck’s driveway sometime later, and he sat for a moment before turning to Mark in an instance of pure, unadulterated dumbassery.

“Do you want to come in? Or is that like...not a good idea?”

Mark shook his head. “It shouldn’t be, I honestly kinda think we’re safe. As safe as I can be, anyways,”

They walked up to Donghyuck’s house quietly, the hollow song of cicadas the only sound as their hands brushed together. Perhaps they were walking too close, but Donghyuck didn’t want to ruin whatever atmosphere they had by moving away too quickly, too harshly.

He unlocked the door as quietly as he could, gesturing for Mark to go in before he closed the door, catching a glimpse of a black car driving past.

“Hey Mark, time?” Donghyuck asked as he passed Mark again to lead him up the stairs to his room.

“Uh, like almost midnight.”

“How long can you stay, do you think?”

“To be real with you, as long as I’m there for my interview in the morning I don’t think it matters.”

“Don’t you have, like, a curfew?” Donghyuck asked as he pushed open his bedroom door, moving just far enough into the room for Mark to squeeze in as he peels off his shoes.

“Usually, yes, but recently they haven’t really been paying too much attention to what I’m doing. We’re in America for more than just concerts and appearances, so everyone’s off trying to figure out contracts and future deals for me and the others.”

“Ah,” Is all he says in response, shutting his door and letting the weight of the situation fall upon him. 

“You can just sit on my bed, sorry it’s a mess, that’ll never change,” He says, moving over to his spot on said bed and trying not to be overtly awkward that there was a boy in his room, now sitting at the foot of his bed, a stranger to it and a near-stranger to his life. In realization of this, he spoke up again.

“Do you think you’d ever be able to meet my friends?”

Mark pursed his lips, and for once didn’t have an immediate answer.

“Not sure. Could be possible, but it’d have to be here or at my hotel, I think.”

“That’s fine,” Donghyuck curled his legs up around him, a bright smile taking over his face. “I ask because, well, I’ve been keeping this thing a secret from them and I will if you want me to, but they’re fans of you and I’d like to be able to say like, yeah, I didn’t tell them I was talking to their favorite kpop idol, but I also got them the chance to meet him.”

Mark smiled in turn, and it wasn’t gratuitous; it reached his eyes and curled them upwards, and wondered if it was possible to fall in love with someone’s smile.

“Tell me about them, if you want to,”

“Okay, my best friend out of all of them is Jeno. He teases me a lot and harasses me a lot more than the others, period, but he’s also very perceptive. Not just for me, for all of us; he takes care of us and breaks his parent’s rules only if we need food or support while cramming. He’s good, and I love him.

“Then there’s Jaemin, his boyfriend. They’ve been dating since sophomore year, and I met him because of Jeno’s annoying ass pining. Something to know about me is that I don’t really believe in forever love, especially in high school, but I hope they have it. I don’t know what would happen to all of us if they broke up.

“Then there’s Chenle and his crush Jisung. They’re a couple of sophomores that we took under our wing; Chenle was in tennis with Jeno last year and he noticed that he didn’t really have any friends, so he invited him to hang out with us. Jisung really only started joining us recently, but I’m glad he has someone to be around when we graduate.”

“You really love them.” It isn’t a question.

“Yes.” Donghyuck’s voice is fond and sure as he looks at Mark. His face is shaded in the glow from the wax burner his mom has made him keep in his room for ages, and it takes away time from his face. He looks young. He looks...cute. Donghyuck looks away.

“I don’t really have much outside of them, I guess. We aren’t really loners, but our group has always been secure. It’s going to be weird when we’re all, you know. Not together.”

“But even still, you all can still be secure,” Mark says softly. He looks back at him, ignoring the voice in the back of his mind.

“I know. We can only control our own actions in the end, though, so I guess I just hope we all want to stay this way.” Donghyuck shakes his head. “Enough about me, it always goes back to me. What friends do you have?”

Mark laughs, once. “I have two friends borne out of necessity.

“We trained together, and all debuted around the same time. Renjun is part of a group that my company has put a lot of money in, but isn’t doing too well. Lucas is one of the other soloists I compete with.”

Mark moves from his spot at the foot of the bed to laying next to Donghyuck, just enough space between them that their thighs don’t touch.

“Lucas is my best friend. I’ve mentioned him before, he helps me break rules even if he doesn’t break them himself. He’s the one I associate myself with publicly, the person my manager knows to go to if I’m missing. I tell him everything and nothing, and he does the same thing.”

“What do you mean, exactly?”

“Like I’ll tell him when I go out to see you, for example, but not that I’m meeting up with an eighteen year old non-famous Californian boy. I tell him what I want the company to know, because I know he’ll tell them everything. It sucks, and it does hurt, but it’s something I’ve kinda gotten used to. I’m not mad, really, he just wants to be careful. He has more to lose than I do; he doesn’t have as much slack as me.”

Donghyuck hums, and he doesn’t realize that Mark’s laid his head on his shoulder until he feels his hair (soft, despite the amount of times he assumes it’s been bleached and dyed in the past), and smells like pine and a hint of sweat.

“Renjun is good, like your Jeno,” His voice shakes his chest, and Donghyuck feels his heart double in speed. “He’s busy though. His group needs all of his attention and man, he doesn’t even get much attention in it. But he’s dedicated and proud irregardless so I try not to take up too much of his time. He’s better than Lucas, though, in the sense that he understands what secrets are.”

“Not to be blunt, but you deserve better.” Donghyuck comments, letting his hand ghost behind Mark and rest on his hip. There’s a silent--something, going on. He isn’t sure what to call it.

“People always say that, but I’ve always wondered who deserves what then.” Mark’s hand, the one closest to Donghyuck, starts trailing patterns on the spot above Donghyuck’s knee; even through the jean, he can feel the scrape of the nail.

“Like, what sort of person Lucas deserves. Or who Renjun deserves. Neither of them are bad people, and given our shared circumstances they’re doing the best they can. Admittedly, I’m not being a good friend either. I could be doing more to make a stronger bond between Lucas and I, given the fact that I have so much slack. I could be checking up on Renjun, making sure he’s sleeping well and eating still. But instead, I fuck around with you for hours on end.”

“But do you regret it?”

“I can’t say I do.”

And there’s a moment. He knows it’s there, as he looks at Mark who’s still curled up against him and  _ god _ , he’s so beautiful. And he knows he should take the moment, live in it, take the opportunity to learn what happens when live wire touches skin but  _ god, he’s so beautiful _ , and he loses all nerve.

“Do you need to go?” His voice has a slight hollowness to it, and Mark pulls away from Donghyuck, and he misses the touch on his thigh and the weight of him on his shoulder.

“Probably, yeah.” There’s an air of disappointment in his voice; he can almost smell it.

“We’ll meet up again tomorrow, is that okay?” Donghyuck pulls off from the bed when Mark stands, moving to the door.

“Yeah, of course, if that’s what you want. Also,” He stops in front of Donghyuck, hand on the doorknob.

“I’ll see what I can do to see your friends, if that’s what you want. If nothing can happen though, tell them. If you trust them, I trust them.”

And with that, they walk down to the front door together, and Donghyuck wonders if his heart should still be beating this fast.

**_Day 4: Thursday_ **

"So you're telling me, Hyuck, that  _ you _ of  _ all people _ ran into Mark Lee at a concert you didn't even want to be at, and have been texting and meeting up with him secretly since?"

"Yes?"

"You owe me money for that fucking concert ticket."

Donghyuck had decided to tell Jeno first, before Jaemin or Chenle, just to have an idea of how they would react. They wouldn't be crazy about it (he hoped), but he just wanted to be sure that they weren't annoying and obnoxious and would ask for what exactly was happening.

"He's gonna try to find a time to meet all of you, because I asked and talked all of you up--you're welcome, by the way--so I might just wait to tell Jaemin and Chenle when that happens.”

"What if it doesn't? You said he has six more days here, right?"

"Then I'll tell them if he can't."

Jeno sipped on the coffee Donghyuck had stopped and bought for him on the way to his house, before smiling around the straw.

"Hyuckie, you know I don't want to pry, and I'll never ask again, but I need to know...do you have feelings for Mark?"

Donghyuck sighed before leaning back onto Jeno's bed.

"If I'm going to be honest with you, I have no idea. Which, in turn, means there's a possibility."

“That’s not good, is it?”

“I can’t tell.” Jeno leaned over him, eyebrow raised.

“Like, it’s not just me, I don’t think. Last night we--well, we cuddled, to put it neatly. And he said at one point he hated touching people.”

Jeno shakes his head. “He does, that’s something that’s actually caused him some controversy in the past.”

Donghyuck leaned up with his arms and gave Jeno a questioning look.

“Are you fucking serious?”

“Yes! He wouldn’t touch Lucas for some pictures so the media skewed it to make it seem like he was being disrespectful.”

“God, I hate the fucking idol industry.”

“It’s not just the idol industry, Hyuck, it’s media as a whole.”

“My point still fucking stands.”

Jeno left him alone at that point, moving off the bed and to his desk chair to fuck around on his phone. Donghyuck was trying to nap (it’d become habit to fall asleep during class and his teachers were starting to get pissed) and was almost asleep when Jeno gasped.

“Wake up, this isn’t good,” He moved back to the bed, shoving his phone into Hyuck’s face. It was opened to another article, a similar headline to the one from Tuesday, but with different pictures.

“Shit.”

“Is there anything you can do?” Donghyuck looked at Jeno and saw how stressed he already was. Jeno had a tendency to feel everyone else’s issues more deeply than he did his own sometimes, maybe to see if he carried the brunt of the weight everyone else would have an easier time.

“Dunno. This is the second one and I’m really confused about how they even got these pictures? Like they were literally right outside my house, what the fuck?”

Memories of a black van he’s never seen in the neighborhood before come to mind.

“I need to talk to Mark, see if there’s an issue on his end,” Donghyuck leaves the room before he can hear Jeno’s reply and locks himself in the bathroom--it seems he always ends up in the bathroom when things go wrong.

His mind circles as he calls Mark’s number, trying to think of all the possible outcomes. Mark was going to be in trouble, there was no way out of it. Two scandals in a singular week wasn’t good for any celebrity and his company sure as hell wouldn’t let this slide a second time. Truly though, how much trouble could he get in? Vaguely, he wondered if his company still beat their artists and willed Mark to pick up faster.

“Please hurry, I’m in a meeting,” Mark sounded anxious--for the first time since they’d met, he sounded uncertain and  _ scared _ .

“Is everything okay? Are you okay?”

“Uhm, not sure, they’re talking about punishment and shit right now,” Mark sighed. “They’re fucking pissed. Went on a whole fucking tirade about how I need to start caring more about my image and I need to stop pulling the bullshit I do where I disappear--speaking of, I’m worried Taeil is gonna lock me in tonight, for sure, so sorry about that.”

“Mark, it’s okay,” Donghyuck took a moment to think, pacing up and down the length of the rug in front of Jeno’s sink. “Can you breathe for me? Just kinda reset yourself?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course. Thank you, Hyuck, for calling and everything. Kinda feel like shit right now but now I remember there’s a point to why this all started. Gotta go, stay outta trouble while I’m gone.”

And the line went dead.

Mark did end up locked up but they continued to text and call, and Hyuck watched as his company released a statement that basically said Mark and him were old friends, nothing more.

“I mean, that’s so generic,” Hyuck said as he scrolled through a fan account of Mark’s, most people just saying to  _ shut the fuck up it’s not that big of a deal _ .

“Yeah, but there were dating rumours going around so they needed to shut it down fast.”

“Dating rumours? Literally  _ why _ ?” Donghyuck wishes he could see Mark’s face so he could deduce how he was feeling--his company had decided he needed to stay inside more and his car was taken.

“Because whoever leaked those pictures has a fucking vendetta against me, I don’t know. But it’s fine, yeah? Your address was covered up and everything, right?”

He nodded even though Mark couldn’t see, closing out of Instagram and back to the call. “Yeah, it’s all okay. Let’s just hope people stop caring.”

“Yeah. Tomorrow night though do you still want me to come over? You’d have to pick me up but I think I can--”

“No.” His voice was sharper than he intended when he cut off Mark, and he felt bad for the sting of the words. “I don’t want to risk you getting into more trouble, Mark.”

“Okay, but I could care less. I need to see you.”

“I care though. I’ve been selfish enough.”

“What if you came here?” Hyuck could hear the smile in his voice. “Let me be selfish, Hyuck.”

He was silent for a moment, letting the idea sit and settle. Mark was risking--well, he didn’t know what exactly, but  _ something _ to see him and it truly isn’t right considering the situation but. He was flattered. He hadn’t realized the enormity of the situation until it had crept upon him and laid its entire weight on him.

“Oh,” He breathed once. “Yes, I’ll do that at the very least.” And again, he wondered if his heart should be racing.

**_Day 5: Friday_ **

At their lunch table, the day after, the Mark Defense Squad were talking about the leak and mainly the public’s reaction to it all; a lot of American fans didn’t believe the statement, due to how “close” the two were walking, how it looked like they were holding hands in one picture. Korean fans were appalled at the idea and actually generally believed the statement.

“They weren’t holding hands,”

“Hyuck, what do you mean?” He hadn’t realized he had said anything. He looked around and saw Jeno looking at him in confusion, but different from Chenle’s almost mean looking frown and Jaemin’s furrowed eyebrows; he was trying to ask him if he was alright.

“Fuck it,” He pulled out his phone and pulled up his text thread with Mark, scrolling to the very top, before handing it back to Jaemin.

“‘Spoiled Pussy Boy?’” Jaemin choked and looked at Hyuck who just waved at him to read.

“Long story short, Mark and I ended up meeting, he asked for my number, and we’ve been talking since. It was me in that leak from the concert, and it was me last night. And no, we weren’t holding hands.”

It’s silent while Jaemin and Chenle read through the texts, and eventually they just hand it back over without saying anything.

“I told Jeno already, because I felt bad not telling any of you. I was going to wait to tell y’all when I got confirmation on if you can meet, but after yesterday I don’t think it’s possible anymore.”

“Hyuckie,” Chenle’s the one who speaks, and it’s so weird to hear his voice so soft. “We don’t care. You don’t need to tell us anything, just because we’re friends doesn’t mean there’s an obligation to tell each other everything.”

“I just have one question,” Jaemin interrupts. “Is there anything going on? Like romance wise?”

“Like I told Jeno, I don’t know. There might be but everything’s just complicated. Right now I’m just...suspending my disbelief.”

“Do you want there to be anything going on, though?” Jaemin presses on, and Jeno gives him a warning glance. Donghyuck shakes his head at Jeno, as a way to say that he’s okay.

“I think I do. But it’s so soon, you know? I’ve only been talking to him for four days, he has five days left here not including today and I just. I don’t know what I want or think right now. Anyways, where’s Jisung?”

“Cheerleaders got to leave early for some random competition,”

The rest of the period was spent avoiding topics about Mark, just to respect Donghyuck, but regardless he couldn’t stop thinking about him. When there was only a few minutes left till the bell, he put his earbuds in because truthfully he  _ really _ couldn’t think and he was starting to get overwhelmed with the sound of voices around. His spotify crashed (again. He really needed to get a new phone) so he could hear his friends’ quietened voices.

Jeno’s voice was speaking, rushed, “He seems happier? Not happier just...weightless. Like there’s not as much keeping him here.”

“Is that a good thing though?” Chenle spoke next, while he scrolled through his phone settings to force stop the app.

“Yeah. You remember how he was last year, right? He was always so stuck in his head, his worries. Maybe it won’t end well, but we can see it’s going okay now.”

“That’s all we can hope for, isn’t it?” Jaemin sounded the most worried out of all of them as he tapped back to his homescreen, Spotify finally loading properly.

“In anything, we can only hope.” His music cut off the rest of their conversation before he could hear more.

Later that day, Jeno texted and asked if he wanted to go to the beach with all of them and he said yes, asking what time. His heart felt satisfied, full, as he left for Mark's.

Mark texted him the address for his hotel and told him to text as soon as he got there, so he could get to the lobby before staff could kick him out for loitering. Donghyuck pulled up to the expensive hotel that Mark’s company had been staying at for the duration of their trip and sent Mark a text, who replied with an okay and one of his irritating emotes that he’d grown to find endearing.

He waited on the sidewalk, not knowing if there was security or some shit that restricted access to those with key cards, and jumped as the door beside him opened, Mark poking his head out with a beanie, sunglasses, and a mask covering his face.

“A bit much, don’t you think?” He said with a smirk, entering the building with Mark, who waved at a man near the elevator, shaking his head with a smile. The man just nodded and pressed the button for the elevator.

“Can’t be too much anymore, Hyuckie. That’s one of my bodyguards, Taeyong, he’s off as soon as we get back to my room.”

“Do you trust him to see me?” He asks warily, speaking quieter as they got closer to him.

“Yeah, he can’t do much. Plus he’s kinda like my dad, really. He’s the only guard that’s been with me since debut.”

Donghyuck just nodded and they waited just for a moment before the elevator arrived empty. They stepped inside, Taeyong first, and despite his short and willowy stature he looked intimidating, with his red hair and sharp, sharp angles.

Mark said something to Taeyong in Korean, and Donghyuck smiled at the difference between his voice when he spoke in Korean versus his voice in English. Maybe it was because he couldn’t speak the language, but he sounded more mature in Korean, a bit more rough. Taeyong nodded and stuck out his hand for Donghyuck, and he smiled--oh. He’s actually kinda cute.

“Hi, nice to meet you,” Donghyuck couldn’t help but smile back at him as he shook his hand, noting how distinct his voice was.

“Nice to meet you too,” He turned to look at Mark who was fucking  _ beaming _ at them both. Donghyuck couldn’t remember a picture or time he’d ever seen Mark look so happy, so utterly content. His chest warmed from the inside out.

The rest of the ride was quiet, mainly because he felt uncomfortable speaking in a language Taeyong couldn’t speak fluently, as Mark’s conversation with him pointed out. They arrived at Mark’s room and Taeyong stayed in the elevator, asking him something lowly, and Mark blushed for a moment then waved his hands, repeating a word then laughing awkwardly. Donghyuck couldn’t help but laugh shortly.

“What’d he say?” He asked as they walked down the hallway to Mark’s room.

“Nothing,” Mark said in a rush. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Okay, dork. Oh, also, my friends asked me out tomorrow morning so I'll need to leave a bit earlier tonight,” They stopped in front of a door at the end of the hallway, and Mark hummed as he unlocked the door and gestured for Donghyuck to go ahead of him. The room was extravagant, one he’d never be able to afford, and wondered for a moment if he was willing to become an idol if it meant you got to stay at a place like this. He then promptly deleted the thought.

“Nice, I forget sometimes you make more than my mom’s made in her entire life.”

Mark scoffed. “As if. The company’s paying for this.”

They sat in silence for a moment, and Donghyuck was trying to gauge what exactly was happening. Usually, he’s the kind of person to communicate with his friends if there was something he didn’t understand, but he doesn’t even know how to communicate his thoughts and feelings to himself, how could he start a whole conversation about it? And so, he waited.

After a short conversation on what to do, Mark suggested they watch a movie and just chill for the night. Donghyuck agreed and so Mark pulled up Netflix on his laptop while Donghyuck went to the kitchenette to see if he had snacks, but there were only various healthy foods on the counters.

“Cabinet beside the fridge. I got contraband,” Mark called, and Donghyuck opened said cabinet to find a surplus of potato chips and sweets that he would surely get in trouble for eating.

“You really don’t give a shit about your company getting pissed at you, do you?”

“Not particularly, no,” Donghyuck threw the food on the bed before scooting in beside Mark. He hesitated for a moment before just deciding to lean against Mark, pulling up one of the bags of chips and opening it.

“What do you wanna watch?” Mark asked, leaning against Donghyuck’s shoulder again as he scrolled through movie titles on Netflix.

“Nothing animated, but otherwise I don't really care," Mark nodded, before going back up to his list to find a movie tagged under ‘comedy’ and ‘teen comedy’. Hyuck was about to voice his concerns about the movie when Mark started talking.

“Hear me out, this is a decent movie. The characters are kinda annoying and really unlikeable but towards the middle of the movie you begin to just kinda accept it like--oh, what’s that term people use to describe, like, putting away your disb-- _ suspension of disbelief _ ! Right, like I was saying…”

Hyuck vaguely listened to Mark describe the movie, another cancer story except less romanticized (those were Mark’s exact words), but truly he was just focusing on the way he stumbled over his words because he was talking too fast, the way he gestured with his hands, laptop shaking on his lap.

It was when he saw Mark smile unabashedly, crookedly, he realized he liked him. Undeniably, decisively. He liked the fact he lost the words he was trying to say sometimes and he’d blush, and Donghyuck would give him suggestions till he found the word. He loved the way he was so unaware of his little habits, how he talked with his hands and when he was truly smiling his eyes showed it.

“Is that okay, Hyuckie?” Donghyuck blushed and nodded, leaning back into the pillows and shifting the food and his legs as Mark brought the sheets up around them.

The next hour or so passed quietly, in waves; he couldn’t really pay attention to the movie with Mark’s breath hitting his collarbones and the way he thumbed the exposed skin between his jeans and the hem of his shirt. His heart kept jumping up out his throat, and he thought he would choke on it, at one point.

“Hyuckie,” Mark spoke softly, interrupting the characters on screen.

Donghyuck hummed lightly, propping himself up slightly to look at Mark more clearly.

“Can I do something?”

Mark was hesitant, nervous, and his heartbeat was clawing to get out of his chest, beating too hard for him to keep up with it.

“What…. What is it?”

A blush flooded across his face, and Donghyuck had a feeling, a lingering suspicion of what the question was. He gave Mark time to collect himself, to pause the movie and move his laptop, sitting up away from him.

“I hope I didn’t read this all wrong,” He started, breathless and rushing his words. “But I think there’s some _ thing _ here, like, romantic, and I just,” Mark shook his head, took a breath. “Can I kiss you, Hyuckie?”

And there was a moment. Where Donghyuck could have rejected him and they could have gone back to how they once were, maybe once more at odds, with their differences stacked against and between them. Or maybe he could have ended the whole thing outright, blocked his number and told him to never talk to him again. But he looked so  _ earnest _ , so  _ scared _ , and Donghyuck had known that there was something there, and he didn’t think it was fair to deny it existed.

“Yes,” He exhaled, when Mark had looked like he was about to take back his question. “Yes, that’s fine,”

It was obvious as they moved closer together, kneeling on the bed, that neither of them were too experienced with kissing; Donghyuck had been kissed a total of three times, all at Yangyang’s end-of-school year parties in his bedroom during truth or dare and spin the bottle. He assumed, faintly, that Mark had never been kissed.

Hyuck found purchase on the back of Mark’s head and on his chin, Mark’s hand resting loosely on his waist and arm. Their lips grazed lightly, barely a kiss, lips closed and uncertainty breaking way to curiosity. Donghyuck moved the hand that was on Mark’s cheek to graze against his cheekbone, his jaw, feeling as Mark grew more relaxed under him.

He couldn’t hear anything besides his heartbeat, could feel Mark moving his hand upwards, their lips disconnecting for a moment before reconnecting, slowly becoming more familiar with each other. He wondered if his heartbeat would ever learn to calm down around Mark, or if it was just a side-effect of touching a live wire.

The rest of the night passed hazily, the laptop abandoned in favor of curling up with each other, sharing soft kisses and quiet, affectionate words between them. Donghyuck got caught up in the way Mark looked under the faint light from the bedside lamp, the way his eyes changed from brown to a warm amber how up close you could see the faint freckles and acne scars that littered his nose and cheeks. The last thing Donghyuck could remember thinking was how warm Mark was, and wondering if their thing was somehow more, somehow ubiquitous, perhaps forever.

**_Day 6: Saturday_ **

When he opened his eyes, Donghyuck noticed the fact he was  _ not _ laying on his expensive memory foam pillow and that this was  _ not _ his room. Memories from the night before came to the front of his mind, his sore lips an inconsequential reminder, and he couldn’t help but become alive at the idea that he had a  _ boy _ , a boy named  _ Mark _ ; god, he was smitten.

He looked up to watch Mark as he slept. His hair was a mess, chaotic, and he smiled faintly before reaching out to play with a strand. His face was impassive, no smile or even a twitch of his eyes to signal what sort of dream he was having. Eventually, he got bored, and started to shake him awake.

“Mark,” He started off softly, but when it was apparent he was a heavy sleeper, he started to touch his face.

“What?” Mark woke irritated, and Donghyuck smiled at his scrunched up nose and pinched eyebrows.

“Good morning,” Donghyuck watched as Mark’s face faded into calm contentment when he realized who was waking him up, going up to rub his eyes and smile up at Donghyuck.

“Morning,” He had a small smile on his face, and before he knew it he’d leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. When he looked back at Mark he looked shocked, but then he weaved a hand into Hyuck’s hair and the smile came back, brighter.

They laid in bed for a while, talking about nothing and letting the silences hold the meaning, the moments where they just look at each other and trace over each other’s faces, looking for  _ something _ .

“I need to get ready to go see Jeno and them,” Donghyuck ended up saying during one of those pauses.

“Oh, yeah,” He could hear the disappointment in Mark’s voice and he almost laughed at him. He refrained, however, and they both got up, throwing off the sheets and stretching out his arms, trying to find it within him to not get right back in bed and lounge around with Mark all day.

“Do you want to wear some of my clothes?” Mark asked, and Donghyuck rolled his eyes before nodding.

“You just want to see me in your clothes, fucking weirdo,” Donghyuck took the worn t-shirt Mark handed him before turning around to pull off his shirt, not even bothering to leave the room.

While changing, Donghyuck got a call from Jeno, throwing the t-shirt on and swiping to accept it.

“Hey, where are you, my mom dropped us off like twenty minutes ago?” He didn’t sound overtly concerned, thankfully.

“Sorry, I just fell asleep at Mark’s. Actually--” Donghyuck felt a jolt of excitement, lowering his voice a tiny bit. “Do you think he could potentially come with me?”

There was a pause from the other end.

“Hyuck, that’d be fucking amazing but are you sure it’s safe?”

“Is it our usual spot?” They had found a beach near Jeno’s house that was usually deserted, they’d only ever seen other people there a handful of times.

“Yeah?”

“We should be good to go.”

After a final confirmation, they said their goodbyes and he turned back around to find Mark changed and in front of a mirror above the nightstand, checking his hair.

“Hey, Mark?” Mark hummed at him as Donghyuck walked over and wrapped his arms around his waist.

“Do you think you would be able to come meet my friends today?”

Mark froze but didn’t stiffen, and he took that as a good sign.

“Maybe for a while, yes. Where at?”

“It’s this beach near Jeno’s, it’s small but quiet. We should be okay but you could wear a mask if that would make you feel better.”

Mark turned, finally, and moved his hands to Hyuck’s neck, thinking, before exhaling once and nodding, a small, apprehensive smile on his face.

They left the room twenty minutes later, clothes and hair situated and call to Taeyong made. Despite the fact he was gonna get hell from Jaemin for being late when he always got onto everyone else when they were late, Donghyuck was  _ happy _ , it was coursing through his veins. He itched to hold Mark’s hand, to have that extra layer of assurance, but he wasn’t risking anything while they were in public.

Mark had him wear a mask but Donghyuck refused to wear anything more, and he relented eventually. Taeyong met them in the elevator once again, and his eyes looked sharp, but he didn’t look angry.

Taeyong said something to Mark, and Donghyuck wondered how difficult it would be to learn some Korean. He felt bad that Taeyong was the one that had to pick of English instead of it being the other way around; it should have been both ways, a balance.

Donghyuck looked at them as their conversation turned more sharp and Mark started raising his voice. He’d never heard him yell; he had heard him upset and scared and happy but never  _ mad _ . The elevator door opened and their voices hushed before cutting off abruptly, Mark leaving the elevator in a rush.

“What’s wrong?” Donghyuck asked Mark, and he shook his head.

“He’s just pissed that you spent the night. Worried about me getting in trouble. Worried for you.” He sighed and once more, Donghyuck wished to be able to touch him, do  _ something _ .

“He’s wondering if I know what I’m doing too, since I’m leaving in five days.”

“But do you?” Donghyuck made his voice quiet, hesitant; this was another one of those moments where he was unsure of how to stand, how to act. 

Mark took a deep breath, staying quiet as they walked outside, Mark following Donghyuck to where he parked. When they slid into the front seats and Donghyuck started the car, Mark continued.

“I’m not sure. I don’t know if you could tell, but I like you.” Donghyuck blushed, at that, grabbing onto Mark’s hand now that there was nobody able to watch them.

“I want this to work out, but there are so many risks.” Mark shook his head, intertwining his fingers with Donghyuck’s. “We can talk about it eventually, we need to, but can we just pretend?”

“Pretend what?”

“That this was a lot easier than it is. That I wasn’t an idol, or famous.”

Donghyuck smiled softly and nodded.

“It’s not hard to pretend with you, Mark.”

They spent the car ride in silence, Donghyuck's music coming through the speakers and their hands laced on the center console. Before he made it to the beach, he saw his coffee shop and asked Mark if he wanted some.

It was the one he got Jeno’s coffee from wherever he went over unannounced, it was where he’d gone before football games he really didn’t want to go to because Jeno and Jaemin had friends they wanted to support. It was a quiet, pretentious place, but it was good and it was familiar.

Mark went into the cafe with him; he had forgone the hat and sunglasses he had worn the other day, and Hyuck was grateful, for a moment.

Donghyuck ordered for the both of them, sliding the mask off so his voice wouldn’t be muffled. It was a quiet thing, the realization; he likened it to a sneak thief, creeping in and stealing everything before you had even noticed. He was watching Mark read the menu above the counter, face covered nearly completely, just watching him,

It was covert, and it was comforting; he’d never fallen in love before, but he felt it was right to christen this feeling love. It was simultaneously all-consuming and hollow, a rush and a slow tide. Perhaps it was dumb, and too fast, but perhaps this is what he needed; a touch of disilusionment, the ability to step back from reality. Blind trust in something beyond his own fate.

The barista handed them their drinks, and Donghyuck slipped the mask back onto his ears, before walking out with Mark, linking their pinkies briefly before slipping away.

The beach was empty when they pulled up to the parking lot, Jeno and the others waiting for them on a curb. They all stood up when they pulled in, various looks on their faces from excited to anxious.

“Hey, y’all,” Donghyuck called out the window, ripping off his mask and pulling into a random space and putting the car into park. Mark looked a bit nervous, but Donghyuck took his hand and squeezed it, once, and gave him an assuring smile before opening his door and facing his friends.

They all stayed silent, for the most part, when Mark came out, wary of making him uncomfortable while still trying to be enthusiastic. He shook each of their hands, going down the line until he got to Hyuck.

“Okay…” He smiled stiffly before taking a deep breath and starting again.

“Please stop being so awkward; Mark, that’s Jeno, Jaemin, Chenle, and Jisung,” He then grabbed Mark’s hand and gestured for everyone to follow him. “We came here to go to the beach, so we need to  _ go _ ,”

They fucked around for a while, chasing each other around the sand and some people (Jaemin) throwing some people (Jeno) into the water, much to everyone else’s irritation, and slowly they all warmed up to Mark, becoming more comfortable to act naturally around him. Eventually, they ended up in a circle, beach towels fetched from the back of Donghyuck’s car that he’d learned to keep in there, and asking them both about...well, them.

“So you’re together, aren’t you?” Jaemin had asked after they had told their story, leaning up against each other.

“I guess?” Donghyuck saw Jeno’s eyebrows raise again, so he hurried to explain. “You all know it’s complicated, but for right now, I guess we are.”

They continued to ask questions and soon they had been at the beach for two hours, just talking and learning each other, adjusting to the new addition and learning how to maneuver around the awkward pauses. However, when they all got up to leave, Donghyuck felt relieved and content, relieved at how well the situation had gone. Jeno came up to him while he was putting up the towels and asked him if he had anywhere in mind to go. When Donghyuck said no, he continued.

“Jaemin has been talking about this thrift store downtown he’s been wanting to go to, if that’s alright?”

“It’s fine with me if it is with everyone else,” Chenle and Jisung didn’t have any opinion, instead watching some video on Jisung’s phone at a low volume. Mark was texting someone, the look from earlier in the elevator returning and anxiety settled within his stomach.

“You good?” He asked quietly as they left the theatre, heading to the back of the parking lot where he had parked.

“Fine,” He sighed once before pocketing his phone, irritation still laced within the cramped, tight smile he sent Donghyuck.

Jaemin and Jeno crawled into the backset and Chenle ended up on Jisung’s lap, much to his embarrassment.

“You need a bigger car.” He pouted as Donghyuck pulled the seatbelt across him, Mark plopping into the passenger seat.

“Or maybe I need less friends,” Donghyuck turned around to grin at Chenle as he stuck his tongue out.

“We didn’t have an issue with space until you dragged Mark with you,” Jaemin called, and Hyuck rolled his eyes before turning back around to start the car. He took a glance at Mark, only to see that he was leaning up against the window.

“He’s asleep.” Donghyuck smiled for a short moment before frowning. The guilt was sinking back in, from the late nights to the leaks to the kiss. It wasn’t really for all of these things happening because, with the exception of the leaks, they had fun. They were memories that couldn’t be coated in anything other than pink; in the moment, everything about them was just right.

The effects of all of it though, the colors of the leaks and the punishment from his company mixing with the rose of those memories all culminated into an unrecognizable mess. Trying to sift through it only left you covered in black oil and unsatisfied, grasping for a truth in a sea of emotions and lies.

When he parked in the near-empty thrift store parking, Mark ended up waking up with the movement of the car.

“Morning,” Donghyuck smiled at him and Mark smiled back, but he watched as the realization of where he was and who he was with sunk in, and a frown took over his entire face.

“Wakey wakey, Markie,” Jaemin sing-songed from the backseat, and Hyuck sent him a glare.

“Don’t call him that, dumbass,”

“Why not?” Jaemin unbuckled, leaning forward to stick his face between the front seats. “Don’t you call him Hyuckie?  _ Wait _ . Hyuckie. Yucky. Yuckie Hyuckie.”

Donghyuck reached out to smack him upside the head, but Jaemin leaned back before his hand could connect, cackling while he opened his door to get out. Mark was laughing too, softly, and while everyone else exited Donghyuck leaned over to grab Mark’s hand.

“You seriously okay?”

Mark sighed but smiled, and he was glad to see it was a true one. “Sort of. Sorry for not telling you sooner, I just didn’t want to bother you. But I’m gonna have to leave in like…” He took a glance at the car radio. “A half hour or so. Life of a celebrity never stops.”

Donghyuck didn’t say anything, just reached over to take off his mask and leave a soft kiss on his lips.

“Sorry.” Hyuck could feel the blood tickle his cheeks as he blushed. 

“You’re fine.” Mark grabbed his hand again, giving it a tight squeeze, before putting the mask back on.

“We better go, your friends are getting antsy,” He pointed behind Donghyuck, and he turned to see Jaemin gagging and Jisung and Chenle laughing at him.

Jaemin dragged Jeno over to the clothes as soon as they got inside, Chenle and Jisung wandering around the shelves covered in miscellaneous paintings and decorations. Donghyuck and Mark walked around the store aimlessly, stopping at the poor collection of novels and large, dated assortment of CDs and cassettes.

They ended up stumbling upon one of Mark’s own CDs, which Donghyuck ended up taking to appease him. It totally wasn’t because it had the one song that he loved on it and he wanted to listen to the other songs on it.

“Hyuck, you really don’t need to buy it,” Donghyuck walked back through the shelves, stopping to look at some of the really ugly shoes they had for sale, attempting to find some that weren’t entirely awful.

“But I  _ want _ to, now hush,” Mark rolled his eyes but went silent. Once Hyuck had decided that this thrift store was honestly bad, he headed back to Jaemin and Jeno. Jeno was holding a handful or so of hangers, trailing behind Jaemin as he sifted through the rack of men’s clothes.

“Did you find some stuff than?” Hyuck asked, and Jaemin turned to nod at him, eyes bright.

“Yes! A bunch of really good shirts I can upcycle and a jean jacket I want to bleach. The jeans aren’t awful, I found a pair I want to rip up,”

Donghyuck grinned at his friend as he explained what exactly he wanted to do to some of the clothing, eventually deciding that there were no more jeans of worth and going to collect Chenle and Jisung who had ended up inspecting the ancient video game consoles.

While they were checking out, Mark ended up leaving, kissing Hyuck on the cheek and waving to his friends before heading out the front door. Through the windows Hyuck watched as he walked to a black van with bright pink license plates. He looked at it, confused, before storing that information away, making it as something he should ask Mark about at some point.

After the thrift store shopping, they all ended back at Donghyuck’s house, stealing his junk food and having a conversation about what all they wanted to do.

“I’ve been going and going for the past week,” Hyuck was tired again and grumpy at the idea of driving across town again. “Can we just stay here?”

“That was your decision, Hyuck,” Jeno reminded him but there was no bite to it. “But no that’s fine, I was actually wondering if we could do another trampoline sleepover?”

Back in freshman year their sleepover spot of choice had been Donghyuck’s trampoline. Despite the fact dew ended up soaking through their blankets and coating their phones and his laptop in condensation, they liked waking with the sun, the idea that their words were between themselves in the moon. They had continued, with the addition of Jaemin, until junior year when they all got too busy to make plans line up and eventually their secrets with the moon became a childhood fantasy.

“That’s a fantastic idea, Chenle and Jisung never got to have one with us.”

So they went off to find as many blankets and comforters as they could, going into the back of Donghyuck’s closet for his old bed sheets from junior high and the linen closet for the quilts and blankets that had been given to them as gifts. They covered the entire span of the trampoline, struggling to get them to spread out to their full potential. Chenle complained about the grass being too long and making his legs itch, but as they all finally piled on top, laptop and junk food included, Donghyuck felt it all worth it.

The night started with Chenle and Jisung talking about their relationship, the air clear of awkwardness and teasing. 

“I was a bit clueless,” Jisung admitted, picking at his fruit snacks. “But at the same time I wasn’t. Like there were some things that made me realize  _ oh, he might like me _ but also...I don’t know, I just didn’t fully believe it.”

“Why wouldn’t you?” Chenle asked with a soft smile, and Donghyuck wondered distantly if love was  _ that _ recognizable, if that’s how he looked when he looked at Mark.

“I’ve never been in a relationship before, never even had a crush on a boy,” Jisung took Chenle’s hand, slipping his fingers in between his. “But it all worked out, didn’t it?”

Chenle just nodded and propped his head onto Jisung’s shoulder.

“Enough of that shit,” Jaemin said eventually, pulling up his legs and leaning in closer to everyone. “Hyuckie, we need to talk about you and Mark.”

Donghyuck felt like he’d downed a glass of ice water, but instead of the cold eventually fading away, it melted within him, turning his stomach to crushed ice.

“Do we need to?” Hyuck asked, tracing a pattern onto his jeans, avoiding his friends looks.

“You don’t need to, but you and I both know you it’ll come up eventually.” Hyuck glanced up at Jeno. “It’s only a matter of days, dude,”

Hyuck just looked at him for a moment before nodding once.

He listened as all of them added their opinions and it wasn’t as if they were saying anything that he didn’t know already, that despite the fact there was something there, Mark was famous, and there is a possibility that it was against his contract to date and a whole multitude of other issues and complications.

“I don’t doubt that you like him, Hyuckie,” Jeno took his hand, forcing him to look up at him. “But attraction doesn’t mean that you should be pursuing anything.”

“But it’s more than that, I just...I  _ know _ him. Ignoring everything, every single possible reason that this could turn out bad, I trust him. He trusts me, I like pretending that we could be something more.¨

“But if you’re pretending, are you even sure your relationship, your perception of Mark is even real?” Hyuck’s eyes flicked over to Jaemin, and he was stunned to see him look  _ pained _ .

Donghyuck went silent.

“All I’m saying is talk to him. Think it over, decide if it is worth it, because whatever happens we will all respect your decision.”

The rest of the night they stuck to lighthearted conversations, arguing over what movie to watch (Jaemin wanted to do a Marvel marathon when Chenle was begging to watch Disney) and who had to get up to pop the popcorn. They all ended up passed out towards the beginning of Mulan, arms wrapped around and each other and safe in the idea that at least for a night, everything was okay.

**_Day 7: Sunday_ **

The morning after Donghyuck kicked everyone out, texting to see if Mark could go get coffee later on. He dressed quietly, not even music playing, trying to outline everything he wanted to say and what he even wanted. This entire time he’s been thinking about what he wanted in the hypothetical, during their game of pretend. He never took the time to think about the entirety of the situation, the reality, and he didn’t really know what to think. The risks were spread out for him like cards, he knew the exact ways in which things could go wrong and he was entirely aware of why it was a bad idea. Even so, Donghyuck wanted Mark, and he couldn’t decide if his greed was strong enough to win over cold truth.

Mark ended up replying midthought while Donghyuck was laying on his bed.

_ that should work...anything ur wanting to talk abt ? _

_ yeah. _

_ okay. would around 1 work ? i can get there myself _

_ that’s fine _

And how he just had to wait.

They sat in a far corner of the cafe, around the corner of the order counters with only two tables with a couple chairs. Donghyuck sipped at his coffee and he watched as Mark made a face at it. Despite it all, he smiled; even though Mark’s personality pointing to him liking sweet stuff and, in turn, sweet coffee, he has a very obnoxious, elitist idea of what good coffee is.

“I know we both said we could just ignore everything,” Donghyuck jumped right into the conversation because both of them knew what was happening. “But we do need to talk.”

“I know. It’s probably a good idea we’re going it now, all things considered.”

“What do you mean?”

“We’re ending this, aren’t we?” Mark said it softly, regret and acceptance heavy. “It’s just how these things go.”

“That’s so fatallistic, Mark,” Hyuck could feel himself getting pissed and it was unjusitified within the contxt but fuck, he hadn’t said anything to even imply that he was done.

“Is there a difference between fatalism and realism in this situation?”

Donghyuck sighed but changed the direction of the conversation.

“Are we sure we need to end this? Is there any way we can make it work, long term?”

“Not easily,” Mark took a sip of his coffee. “I’m on tour for months, I live in  _ Korea _ , Hyuck, and you have a whole future you need to decide for yourself. I don’t want to be in the middle of that.”

“But you shouldn’t decide that for me.”

“I’m not,” Another sip. “I just wanted to put that out there.”

“So we want to treat this is like... a summer fling?” Hyuck felt sick to his stomach. “There’s more to us than that, Mark, and you know this.”

“But it isn’t that simple, Donghyuck.” Mark’s voice had taken on a sharp edge, a finality to it. “You know it isn’t.”

“But this isn’t fucking fair!” He could feel himself welling up, but forced himself to keep it together. “So what? We pretended for a fucking week, we lied to ourselves and each other about what was happening and now we’re going to pretend that none of it fucking happened?”

“That is  _ not _ what I meant and you know it,” Mark looked tired, so, so tired and for a moment there was a flash of worry for him, before the anger crushed it and stomped it out.

“But what could happen if we decide to let it all go, Mark? You and I both know we can’t just be friends, at least not anytime soon. Since that first drive there has been something there.”

“I don’t know,” Mark leaned forward and rested his head on his hands. “I don’t know what I can do to fix this.”

“You can’t fix something that’s been broken from the start.” Donghyuck grabbed his coffee and stood up, pushing in his chair.

“I need a bit. Think things though.” That’s all he said before he walked out of the shop, throwing his coffee away by the door. On his way to the car, he nearly stopped when he saw the car that had picked up Mark the other day, hot pink license plates and all. But he shook the confusion from his head and unlocked his car, ignoring the voice in the back of his head repeating over and over that  _ Mark did not drive a car with hot pink license plates _ .

**_Day 8: Monday_ **

The day went slowly, gradually, allowing Donghyuck to absorb every moment as he acclimated to the idea of Mark potentially being out of his life. It was dramatic, he  _ knew  _ how ridiculous he was being but even so he ached to know that everything was okay, that everything would work out okay. But like Jaemin said--maybe the fact that they were pretending meant that it was all some facade, a bleary hazy almost-summer romance that began then faded, not remembering faces or names but faint memories and outlines of people. 

He slept through most of his classes, skipping lunch altogether and hiding in the library, wanting to avoid his questions and curious looks. By the end of the day, he had managed to avoid all of his friends questions successfully and having time to just...recenter. Think. To learn what he thought instead of relying on his friends opinions to formulate his own.

Mark hadn’t texted him at all, besides a goodnight text that Donghyuck didn’t reply to. He was grateful that he wasn’t reaching out, not yet, at least, and when he got home he started listing everything he knew.

Mark was fun to be around. He enjoyed being around him, enjoyed the hours they spent eating crap food in that one shoulder off that backroad and enjoyed going to the driv in to get burgers; he loved the way his eyes lit up almost unceasingly, that look he got what he looked at Donghyuck like he was something to be marveled over. There was so many facets to Mark that he hadn’t seen yet and was itching to uncover.

It would be difficult to maintain any form of relationship. It was one thing while he was in California, able to find ways to see him, but in between his performances and his other appearances, he would be gone for two months traveling and then however many more months preparing his newest comeback and more promotions for it.

And finally, he knew that he wanted to keep these memories happy. Regardless of the outcome, how sad and hurt and whatever negative adjective he would be when or if it ended, he wanted these memories to end in a pink hue, and he wanted them till he couldn’t anymore.

He texted Mark sometime later, asking him if he could come over. He said yes. Twenty minutes later he was in Hyuck’s room, more tired than he had ever seen Mark and so, so sad.

“I’m sorry, Hyuckie,” He started off safe, sitting on the edge of Donghyuck’s bed, far away from him. “It wasn’t fair of me to jump to conclusions, or make assumptions. This relationship is not just mine or yours and I should have listened to your opinion more.”

“I’m not going to say it’s okay,” Donghyuck replied. “But thank you, Mark. Thank you for understanding where I’m coming from because I don’t want this to end just because it is so unlikely. I want us to have a chance, you know?”

Mark sighed but nodded. “I know. I just don’t want you hurt in the process.”

Donghyuck smiled softly at him. “I can take care of myself, Mark. I shouldn’t be something you have to be fragile with, and I am choosing this. Please respect that.”

“Okay,”

They talked for a bit longer, about how they planned on spending their last day together. They decided on going on another drive, quiet, pretending for one more night that they could turn this into a guaranteed forever instead of what it was--a long, drawn out game of pretend.

**_Day 9: Tuesday_ **

The night started like every night beforehand, teasingly, lingering gazes and pauses filled with the warmth of contentment and growing affection. Both of them tried to ignore the weighted cloud above them, the knowledge that this was their last night together and their last game of pretend. And they did.

“Hey, Mark,” He shuffled the bag of burgers they had bought before coming back to the backroad from his lap to the floor; deja vu hit him, briefly. “Why did you  _ really _ ask for my number?”

Donghyuck looked up at Mark to see a blush spreading across his cheeks, his eyes darting every which way.

“You know why--I wasn’t going to pay for the hospital bills,”

“You and I both know that’s not what it was, you dramatic bitch,” Donghyuck started laughing, already coming to a conclusion.

“Shut up, Hyuckie,” And there was that pout, the jutted out bottom lip and lowered eyes. “You’re pretty.”

He just started laughing harder, overflowing with the knowledge that Mark Lee had gone so far just to get his number, just to get to talk to him after that night. It was jaring, in a way, but in a comforting way, like he wasn’t alone in thinking there was always  _ more _ .

“You’re pretty, too, Mark,” Donghyuck grabbed his hand, still choking up a laugh in between his words.

That song from the first night they’d listened to Mark’s playlist was on again, that misplaced instrumental that told a story he couldn’t translate. The lilt of the piano and the pause between the piano ending and the introduction of the cello catapulted a new emotion into the mix--utter, true exaggerated sentimentality.

“I didn’t know what to think of you that night,” Donghyuck admitted, voice quieter, almost as if wary of the growing intensity of the music.

“On the one hand, I had already made my mind up about you before I had even left. I don’t really… I don’t respect the idol industry. I do respect the amount of work and effort and the years all of you put into it, but I cannot support an industry I believe is slowly killing its workers. But then I ran into you and honestly, you were kind of douchey, but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt.

“Since the beginning, I should have disliked you.”

Mark laughed. “Thanks, Hyuck.”

“Hush, I’m not done,” He smiled as he traced Mark’s hands, over a scar on one of his knuckles. “But I was unreasonably and unjustifiably fascinated by you ad I couldn’t get enough. Learning about you, watching you become comfortable around me… all of it was intoxicating and there is not a moment of it I would ever trade away.”

The song had faded away with one final just slightly dissonant chord, fading into another one of his overdone electronified songs. Neither of them spoke, absorbing the meaning of what Donghyuck had said and the calibre it was.

“Hyuck,”

Donghyuck looked up to see a look in Mark’s eyes. It was like what he saw between Chenle and Jisung except  _ more _ , consuming and intensely passionate. Perhaps that was because it was a look for him and him alone, one saved for this moment in this car on the shoulder of a backroad in L.A..

“I love you, Hyuck,” There it was; unchangingly and definite.

The rest of the night flew between them, heated kisses and muted words against the soundtrack of their love. And that cloud was still there, floating above the roof of the car. But it could wait; the forecast was clear, and they allowed themselves one more night of ignorance, of blind faith and trust in fantasy and pretend. There was one more night to love, to live, and to be alive.

**_Day 10: Wednesday_ **

As much as Donghyuck didn’t care for school, he never skipped. He felt there was some privilege to be able to skip without reason, or care, and it just wasn’t who he was. But when Mark told him his flight took off at 10 in the morning he knew he would be breaking his one and only rule concerning school.

Jeno was irritated but understanding, warning him to be careful and to not get in trouble. Mark asked him to come a bit earlier so they could have time to talk, Taeyong being the one to get him to the part of the airline they’d sectioned off just to reduce mobbing (pointless, in Donghyuck’s opinion). They didn’t talk on the way, but Taeyong gave him a soft smile and Donghyuck hoped that he was okay with the entire situation. He gathered that Mark told him a lot of things, especially considering the fact that he genuinely enjoyed Taeyong’s company.

Fans had already gathered, banners in Korean and English in bright lime green. Taeyong pointed Hyuck to a small corridor near the food court. The hallway was lined with all personnel only doors, and he followed Taeyong down the hallway to a random door on the left, watching as he pulled out a key and unlocked the door.

“Hyuckie!” The first thing Donghyuck could see was Mark sitting on a couch in the center of the room and a hoard of different people talking in separate groups. When Mark spoke they all turned to look at him, before losing interest.

“Mark, you’re so loud,” Mark came over to drag him into the room, dragging him to sit next to him.

“Whatever, I missed you,” Donghyuck takes a moment to wonder again why a nineteen year old still pouted (and looked cute while doing it) but stopped his wondering for a moment.

“This isn’t a goodbye, okay?” He lowered his voice a bit, as if to fake privacy. “No matter what happens this wasn’t supposed to be our goodbye.”  
“Don’t be so ominous,” Mark grinned at him and grabbed his hand to squeeze it for just a moment. “I know. We will find a way, as long as you want to.”

They continued to have quiet, easy conversation, trying to keep their minds light and without anxiety. When time was counting down and Mark needed to get ready to leave, he slipped over to Taeyong and whispered something in his ear, and he nodded and gave him a small smile before helping the other members of staff get their things in order to leave out of another entrance, where they wouldn’t have to deal with the fans.

Once the last member of staff left with only a few minutes left, Taeyong waiting outside for Mark’s safety, he brought Hyuck closer.

“I’ll miss you,” Mark mumbled, tracing his cheekbones, making him shiver slightly.

“It’ll be okay,” Hyuck slipped his hands behind Mark’s head, combing through his hair softly. Offhandedly, he murmured, “Don’t let them bleach your hair again, it’s too pretty for that.”

Mark chuckled softly. “No promises, but I’ll try. Need to make sure I’m pretty for my boy.”

They kissed, softly, as if they had more time and more moments to make. Taeyong knocked twice on the door and Mark disentangled himself from Hyuck with one last soft barely-there kiss.

“I’ll talk to you later, okay?” He nodded and followed Mark out of the room, watched as he and Taeyong walked down the hallway and fell into the crowd beyond.

He was at dinner with the gang when the leak dropped.

They were all fucking around and Donghyuck wasn’t even slightly upset, or longing for Mark; the information that he was leaving had sunk in and absorbed into him long before he’d gotten in that airport. Jaemin had been scrolling through Twitter to find meme he wanted to show him when he swore.

“Hyuck,” He handed his phone over and Donghyuck’s stomach came out through his throat.

It was another leak, except this time his face was completely uncensored. It was of their kissing in the airport, with his hands behind Mark’s head, twisting one of the longer strands. What confused him was the angle of the picture--someone from around the door had to have taken the picture.

“Oh my fucking god,” Donghyuck laid Jaemin’s phone the table and felt the breath in his body leave him. Taeyong was the one who leaked those photos.

“Hyuck?” Jeno’s voice came to him distantly but didn’t register the fact he called for him.

“I gotta go,” He slipped out of the booth, not thinking about the fact he was leaving his friends, stranded, he couldn’t think about anything other than the fact he and Mark were just fucked over.

His phone started vibrating with a call from mark before he’d even gotten out of the restaurant and he swiped to accept the call without a second thought.

“What the  _ fuck _ is happening?”

“I don’t really know?” Mark sounded breathless and there was the sound of wind. “Taeyong did it all. All of them. My company is contemplating ending our contract because their star idol  _ can’t _ be in a gay relationship, or any relationship period. They’re trying to find ways to make this go away or to look different from it is but they can’t find a way that’s believeable. People have already been looking for who you are even though it wasn’t stated in the article and i just--god,  _ fuck _ !”

“Why did it happen in the first place?” Donghyuck demanded, sliding down the wall beside the entrance.

“Taeyong basically explained it as some sort of fucking lesson. I left after that, fucking walked out because it doesn’t add up.”

“Do you think your company made him do it?”

“Maybe? I don’t know but Hyuck, I’m so scared.”

A sigh.

“I need to go. If anything happens, please know that I’m trying. I am trying my fucking hardest to keep you safe, to keep  _ us _ safe, I just don’t know how much I can win.”

“Mark,” Donghyuck’s voice was laced with that hollow, hazy sound that happens when you cry. “Whatever happens, we tried. And we didn’t regret it.”

And the line went dead.


	2. (now we sit in your car) and our love is a ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had ten days of summer-like romance with the rush of midnight drives and backseat makeout sessions in his mind that he could not erase, or maybe he simply refused. Donghyuck was left with a feeling he didn’t dare call love, not anymore, but it was inert. There was no point for love if there was no one to receive it, no one for it to latch onto. And so it was not love; it was just an it, a lingering, hazy thing that Hyuck decided to leave be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aight so. here it be. sorry for taking like...three months. shout out to mae, chai, and rose for their continued support for this chapter even when most of our conversations were just me rambling and then coming to a decision. it means so so much.
> 
> [here's](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/14G26TsPfEYhPDoJwrA3E3) the link for the playlist and i hope u enjoy !

Donghyuck never understood lucky numbers.

He first heard about them towards the end of the day in third grade, when he was at his cubby putting away his pencil box and grabbing his coat and backpack from the hook. Some of his friends were talking about luck, how on specific days of the month they would just have a  _ better day _ than usual. And they asked what his day was, and he said six--there was no specific reason, it just came to mind because it was his birthday, what day could be more lucky than that? But Donghyuck had never noticed a difference in the shifting days from childhood to the slow, fading days of teenagehood.

But once, when he was fifteen, he looked into lucky numbers and numerology and stumbled upon angel numbers. To him, angel numbers made more logical sense (as logical as they could be, that is.) To have one number saturated in enough luck to last not only one lifetime, or two, or even ten, but millions, was unreasonable. But the idea that there would be repeating numbers that led to something, perhaps a warning of something, that made sense to Donghyuck.

Right now, his angel number would be eight.

It was the eighth of March. It had been eight hours since the leak. It had been eight hours since the last time he had spoken to Mark; eight hours since he had owned any ounce of hope for their future.

Jaemin and Jeno had gone home with him; Jisung and Chenle really, really wanted to stay, but Donghyuck wanted them in bed and not staying up for him, not on a Wednesday fucking night that had already been so long. They didn’t really talk, though, mainly just held Donghyuck as he cried and cried. He didn’t want to talk, didn’t really fucking know what to  _ say _ . He was hurt and all he could register was  _ hurt _ .

They slept together on his bed, a messy puddle of legs and numbing arms behind sharp shoulders. Donghyuck watched his window, waiting to see if it would start raining, just like it did in the movies when the main character had hit a major low. But the atmosphere wasn't there to reaffirm his sadness; his misfortunes were of no concern to mother nature.

It took eight days for Mark’s label to release a legitimate statement.

It was eight days of vague non-responses from them, obviously ghostwritten tweets on Mark’s account leading up to an utter letdown of a press release. Between that, his fans had found out who Donghyuck was, had stalked his twitter and instagram and miraculously his long-dead tumblr blog from junior high. Every single tweet he was tagged in, every fan that commented on his instagram posts was an incessant reminder that it was never a goddamn fucking fantasy, it was never a fucking game of pretend, but he refused to  _ listen _ .

He was comforted, he was surrounded in attention but he refused to be consumed by it; it wasn’t as if he wasn’t appreciative, he wanted to accept the love and start getting better, but each day he kept moving further and further into a cloudy feeling. Donghyuck likened it to what being high was like but not at all good, uncertain movements and third-person living.

He resorted to writing after the sixteenth day. There was never a specific focus to it, largely just something to get his thoughts out of his head and somewhere else because the constant circling got tiring. That was the root of the issue-- Donghyuck was truly and utterly exhausted.

_ dear mark, _

_ do you remember that café we went to? stupid question you probably do but anyways. i’ve been going to it a lot. the coffee is okay a bit dark but i go for the strawberry strudel. it reminds me of you because of that one photoshoot you did a year or so ago (don’t ask how i found it) . you were covered in freckles and were eating strawberries. it is probably the most beautiful i’ve ever seen you. _

_ it still doesn't feel real. maybe it’s because it kinda felt unrealistic while i was living through it but whatever the reason it doesn't feel like you’re gone. i've not really been here to notice though, honestly, i’ve just been kinda. floating. i know there's something going on between jeno and jaemin and i  _ know _ they need my help but i just can't get up. i’m being selfish and i am wholly aware of it but i can’t bring myself to care. _

_ but yeah. it doesn't feel like youre gone yet, and i know it’ll hit eventually, that’s how shit works, but for now i’m existing in this limbo between purgatory where i’m still pretending you're my secret idol boyfriend. Boyfriend. seeing it written down makes it feel so much more. _

Despite the constant influx of attention to his social media, most people at school were unaware of his involvement with one of the largest scandals in recent Korean media, at least at the beginning. Eventually a few American media outlets picked up the story, and his own mother was brought into the mess (who, truth be told, deserved so much better. Donghyuck vowed to get her more for mother’s day than a last minute card from Walmart with his name scrawled on it.), but people didn’t care that much. To be frank, he wasn’t that consequential.

Mark’s statement ended most of the major drama, anyways. Donghyuck didn’t watch the press release, or read a transcript, just gathered a synopsis of it from some of his fan accounts on Twitter that Donghyuck had gathered were sick and tired of Mark’s company's shit.

_ just another fucking piece of evidence that mark is being controlled...it may be historical that signing that fucking contract means signing away his rights but something needs to change. this is not okay, it has never been okay, and to try and say ‘its normal’ does not mean it is fucking right. _

_ Mark deserves to have his own life outside of this industry. He kills himself every day and has since he was a fucking child for us and the least we can do is respect his love life and his sexuality. The fact they stripped him of that just proves he is being mistreated. #markdeservesbetter _

Donghyuck had gone radio silent everywhere, too scared of saying something wrong and criminalizing himself and Mark. Not one person from the company had reached out since, which included Mark, and that unnerved him. He expected a lawsuit on his doorstep the morning after, or at the very least a cease and desist or some sort of bribe to make him shut up. There was none of that, no looming legal threat over Donghyuck’s head, but still he stayed quiet.

He watched as Jaemin and Jeno grew distant, eventually their argument growing bad enough that they refused to sit at the lunch table together. They respected Donghyuck enough to not force him to choose sides, and he was grateful not just because he would never choose but also because he had no idea what was going on. But when he wasn’t wading through the jelly that had become his daily thoughts, it truly sunk in how lonely he was.

Jeno ended up being the one staying at the table, Jaemin having found refuge with a couple other friends of his from Honor Society, and so he was left with Chenle and Jisung fucking around together, probably trying to figure out the best way to fuck with Mr. Dotson that week, and Jeno being incredibly silent. And on one of those clear-headed days, he finally reached out to him.

“Jeno?”

“So you can speak.” Jeno was cold, and when Donghyuck looked up at him he recognized the look on Jeno’s face as the same one on his own: exhaustion mixed with plain acceptance. And it hurt.

“Sorry, I’ve just been. Thinking.” Donghyuck cringes at his own non-apology. “But for once I am here to listen to you, so talk to me. What’s up?”

Jeno and Jaemin had gotten into an argument over graduation. It was cliche, something that was not uniquely them or some sort of bizarre, niche problem; it was universal, almost. Most highschool relationships recognize the fact they’re terminal before they have even started, accepting the fact that perhaps they won’t be forever, but most think they will be an exception. And in a way, even Donghyuck thought they were the exception. Ignoring his own cynicism and pessimism towards highschool love, he wanted them to outlast hallways bookended with lockers and classrooms, the football game nights where they made out behind the fieldhouse.

“Jaemin got accepted to Kent State early, yeah?” Donghyuck nodded, vaguely remembering. Another pang of guilt mixed with hurt when he realizes he should’ve remembered it more clearly.

“Well, it finally hit us both that that’s...near impossible. I have to stay in state, there’s no other option for me, I'm not good enough to get in anywhere for sports alone.” Jeno held up a hand when Donghyuck opened his mouth to disagree. “Don’t say anything, you don’t know shit about sports. I’m good at basketball, but not good enough to get accepted anywhere for it.”

And there was the unfair truth of it all. There was something so wistful and tasteless about understanding your ability in reality; just because you are good at something does not mean you are talented. Just because you do well compared to those around you does not mean you can compare to those beyond your own life. The baseness of it all leaves Donghyuck a bit angry, and it shocks him for a moment. 

“So what have you guys decided?” And here was the unfair question of it all. Jeno just scoffs.

“Nothing. Jae doesn’t wanna talk about it, you know him. He may be a hardass but he doesn’t like talking about shit like that. And everytime I try to talk to him, he runs away, and it’s getting really fucking frustrating.”

In that moment, Donghyuck realizes where they are. They are in the four walls of the cafeteria of their highschool, talking about the enormity of it and the  _ future _ and he’s sad. Because Jaemin doesn’t want to talk about the change because he does not know how to accept it, doesn’t know how to grab onto shit before it all comes crashing down with the chaos of the storm. Doesn’t know how, or doesn’t know  _ what _ . And he’s sad because Jeno just wants to  _ talk _ , wants to have something understood before the storm hits and--God, he doesn’t know how to help.

“What do you need to hear, Jeno?” His voice is soft. Jisung and Chenle had quietened down a bit, realizing what Jeno and Hyuck were speaking about and listening in. “And what do you want to hear?”

He shook his head for a moment, closing his eyes and resting his head in his hands.

“There’s nothing I don’t want to hear. I just need to hear something, because I don’t know what else to do at this point.”

The bell rings at that moment, as if breaking Donghyuck’s reverie, snapping him back into eternal dreamland. Jeno didn’t say anything else to him, just left him alone with Jisung and Chenle more shaken up than Hyuck had seen them before.

**_Day Thirty: Tuesday_ **

It was just there. Like any other time he had seen it pop up on his timeline or somebody would mention it, he thought about watching it; Donghyuck was usually good at self restraint, knowing when to exercise self control and when certain things simply weren’t appropriate. But Mark had some hand in teaching him that perhaps selfishness was a virtue.

He clicked on it.

The video cut through the song playing from his newest playlist, the one he made so it wouldn’t remind him of Mark, but regardless he was always thinking about  _ Mark _ . It was almost like when he had that one really bad dream and it was all he could think about for the week after, despite the constant insistence that it would never actually happen and it was  _ over _ , it refused to leave him. Except this time it had happened and now he had no idea how to get over it.

The video was very obviously not the official one, probably taken by a fan or fansite that was present at the press release. Donghyuck watched as Mark and his team (he took notice of the fact Taeyong was nowhere to be seen) came up on the stage, dressed in suits and solemn looks covering their faces. In spite of it all, his stomach twisted when he saw Mark look up--he looked so fucking...put out. Not tired, not exhausted, not anything else he had seen Mark look like in those ten days. He seemed so disenchanted and, to put it simply, irritated. Donghyuck didn’t like the way it looked on him.

“Hello. It is Mark Lee of Chamomile Entertainment, and I am here to address the situation pertaining to pictures that were released of me and a friend of mine in Los Angeles.”

Mark was speaking in English, and for a moment it confused him because his fanbase was largely Korean. But he couldn’t help but pause at the word  _ friend _ . Donghyuck could already feel tears burning his eyes, and he paused the video and pulled his comforter up around him.

“On the eighth of March, I was accompanied to Los Angeles International Airport with a friend of mine whose name I will not disclose, but he will be referred to as D. He and I had spent much of my free time together while I was in the city as we had not seen each other in years.” Donghyuck made a vague statement in his mind that Mark Lee fixed his problems by adding more problems to the situation.

“Someone within the company took photos of he and I hugging, something natural and  _ platonic _ ,” He noticed that Mark’s jaw clenched. “Between the two of us, and released them to a major tabloid company without context. That person has since been dismissed.

“I am going on the record today, March sixteenth, to say that D and I have not ever had a romantic or sexual relationship of any kind.” 

Donghyuck had expectations going into the video. And truth be told, it was a company response--it was cold, it was defensive and it was without emotion. But that was what hurt so much about it, that Mark had no voice, that he was being reduced to some carefully planned script that Donghyuck knew he had no hand in writing. It was like watching a robot speak; it wasn’t Mark’s voice, he could not recognize the tone he was using. But his expectations never could have prepared him for the feeling of Mark officially distancing himself from what they were, the game he played with him.

“I am going on record today to also say that I am not homosexual. The accusations and rumors going around about my sexuality are slanderous and, at their core, baseless. I am not in a relationship, I have never been in a relationship at any point in my life. Going forward, myself and my company wish to not address these accusations again, but I myself would like to say I apologize for the situation. It was never my intention to betray my fans, as you all are the reason I am where I am today. My ability to create music for an audience relies on having an audience, and I am deeply sorry that my actions have caused many of you to lose faith in me. In future, I will be more careful in my actions and do what is right not only for me, but for all of you. Thank you.”

The  _ watch again _ text appears as the video ends, and Donghyuck slides his laptop off of his lap and curls up on his side, tears pouring down his cheeks. He wasn’t crying for himself, he wasn’t upset over their not-relationship being what it was and ending the way it was he was--guilty. He felt empathetic. Because that  _ was not Mark _ .

The Mark he knew was self-serving. The Mark he knew created not for anyone else, not for fucking validation he received from men and women who did not give a shit about what he wanted and only used him for his sex appeal and his voice. Mark was a creator who put his music out there simply for it to  _ be _ , and nothing more. But, Donghyuck thought bitterly, he never met Mark Lee.

But Mark Lee was who he was supposed to be. There was never supposed to be a separation between celebrity and person, it did not work when despite the fact his  _ fans _ used him for his celebrity image, his  _ person _ could never be left alone. They were two sides of the same coin, each one part of a dichotomy. And Donghyuck did not know how to feel about it.

He had ten days of summer-like romance with the rush of midnight drives and backseat makeout sessions in his mind that he could not erase, or maybe he simply refused. Donghyuck was left with a feeling he didn’t dare call love, not anymore, but it was inert. There was no point for love if there was no one to receive it, no one for it to latch onto. And so it was not love; it was just an  _ it _ , a lingering, hazy thing that Hyuck decided to leave be.

And he cried, and he continued to think about Mark and the consequences of personas and what all he was wanting for, if he was waiting for something. Potential emotions and paths he could choose opened up to him like a book, each one promising new futures ending with his own new happy ending or their own happy ending together, but Donghyuck resentfully realized he never wanted them at all--he only wanted Mark’s. And that was the coldest truth of all.

**_Day Thirty One: Wednesday_ **

_ dear mark, _

_ i thought about the fact it feels like i fell in love with a ghost, and then i realize that you were, in fact, real, and that i was  _ not _ , in fact, in love with you. that has been made wholly clear. i can’t tell if i’m mad about it or just sad. _

_ i’m aware that you did not write that speech. i understand that those were not your words and that it was not your voice. but i also recognize that you agreed to speak them, publically, without any form of contact not even from you but your fucking lawyers. i honestly would be okay with a fucking lawsuit right now, or some sort of cease and desist, because at least it would be some form of acknowledgement from you, which is all i want. _

_ we never really got to talk because in truth i don’t think we were intended to. in an ideal life, that meeting at the airport probably would have been our last. we would have continued texting for a month, maybe too, perhaps longer; but time would escalate and plans would be overwritten and we would both be okay with it, because there was no sense of permanence with  _ us _ in the first place. we wouldn’t really notice when that contact was gone before it had already fizzled and faded. and so i would’ve told my (probably not happening) children that i knew korean pop legend Mark Lee, and that i kissed him, and i would’ve told them about mark and the way you say like way too fucking much. i would have remembered an idealized version of you and i was fully willing to do that. _

_ but now all of that is changing into something greater, this monster of iniquity, and i can’t think that way anymore. because you’re not just Mark Lee and you’re not just mark, and you aren’t even split evenly between the two of them. and i think i’m starting to see where the two mix and darken. _

**_Day Thirty Three; Friday_ **

Chenle and Jisung invited everyone out to the beach.

It was part of one of their many schemes, except this time not absolutely evil and also incredibly thoughtful; Donghyuck was genuinely shocked. He brought the towels and his laptop so they could resort to watching movies together if something went wrong. At this point there were too many possible bad endings that he didn’t have the mind the list all of them. Jaemin and Jeno (who had at some point, unbeknownst to Donghyuck, talked things through a little bit. The unbeknownst part wasn’t too surprising.) were bringing the food, stopping at a cheap Mexican restaurant in town for burritos and queso and chips.

They all got to the beach around six, an hour or so before sunset, and it was quiet. Donghyuck realized, belatedly, that the last time he had been to the beach was with Mark. And he could see where Mark sat when he came with them, the thrift store they visited and Taeyong’s face when they left his hotel room that morning.

“Hyuckie,” Jaemin’s voice was soft, almost pleading when Donghyuck looked over at him. They were spread out on the sand, his laptop playing one of his older playlists, and he already knew this was a fucking intervention.

“Yes, Jae?” Donghyuck looked away; he could feign indifference and cluelessness the longer he ignored the fact it was happening.

“Are you okay? And I mean  _ actually _ okay, not the fucking nonanswers you have been giving us for weeks.” And there was the bite.

“Will you believe me if I say I don’t know?” He wondered allowed. “The reason I haven’t said shit is because I  _ don’t _ know how I’m doing, and I don’t fucking know how to figure it out.”

Jeno pipes up from beside him, taking one of Hyuck’s hands in his.

"We aren't mad or upset, Hyuck. We just want you to know that like...we're here for you. The shit you've been going through isn't fair and it's unjustified considering everything that happened."

There was a moment. He could open up, explain all his thoughts and the countless letters he found himself writing to Mark (although for whatever reason it felt more like writing to a ghost than a boy), or he could wait. He could let it all separate into demarcated layers of oil and water, wait until he dissected every meeting of the two and delved into the chemistry of it all, let it all become nothing more than another story he became obsessed with completing. 

Instead, Donghyuck decided to break.

"I'm so fucking  _ sad _ ," The tears started almost automatically, like a switch-flip, brain shifting between apathy to overwhelming everything.

“I say I don’t know but I do, I’m sad because I lost my first real fucking--boyfriend? Lover? Whatever the fuck you’d call it--and he can’t even reach out. I’m sad because I know he probably isn’t being _allowed_ to, that he’s being forced to ignore me but it still hurts.”  
“You’re allowed to hurt.”

“I know that. But is it really valid that I’m so beat up over this when I consented to all of this? Mark knew and told me, all of you told me and warned me.” He shook his head, hands curling inwards into fists on his knees. “I feel like all of you just waited for me to realize that you all were right just to rub it in my face. And I  _ know _ that isn’t the case but I can’t get out of my  _ fucking _ head--”

Jisung came over and practically sat in his lap, holding Hyuck as the boy cried harder, eyes clenched closed. Nobody really speaks, but Hyuck can hear Jeno's soft words of encouragement, the crunch of sand as Chenle comes behind him to hold him as well.

It takes a while, an immeasurable amount of time while emotion pours from Donghyuck's body, weeks of tension and stress and humanity that has compounded into a mental breakdown

"I don't know what I feel because I can't define this. It's...it's everything. That's all it is."

"Maybe you don't need to define it." Jaemin spoke next, rubbing his thumb in a circle on his knee (like all those nights back in his bedroom, where they spoke about fucking  _ regrets _ ). "Maybe you don't need to understand it."

"Maybe." Donghyuck thought for a moment, and understood. There was a point to what he said but he just couldn't. Let go. He was stuck on Mark not like glue but like one of Donghyuck's many unfinished stories from junior high, the characters suspended between scenes without thought of the years that have passed and the notion that they were stuck, unmoving, perhaps forever. Except Donghyuck knew, but he couldn't figure out what line fit next.

The rest of the night they avoided responsibility. They fucked around for a while and some people (Jaemin) threw some people (Jeno) into the water, much to everyone else's amusement, and slowly they all warmed up to change, with grappling senior year and inexplicable emotions and  _ time _ .

Donghyuck drove everyone home that night, blasting a new song to his playlist that he'd fell in love with. It had a cello in the background, and there was one vocalist; it told the story of some Greek mythology character, and it just. Felt right. Filled some hole in Hyuck, as cliche at it was. And that was all he needed in the moment.

**_Day Thirty Five; Sunday_ **

_ Hi. I am D, and even though Mark Lee did not want to say my real name, I will. I’m Lee Donghyuck. To give a bit of context on myself, I am a senior in highschool. I have no future plans for college or higher education, and I sure as hell have no future plans involving Mark Lee. _

_ It isn’t really important to go into details about the situation, but I can confirm that nothing inappropriate happened during our time together in Los Angeles. We were friends, once, but I can see that it deeply harmed his reputation and, for whatever reason, his fans. I won’t apologize for that. I don’t really understand the industry he is in, so maybe it’s because of that, but why does the media think it is their place to dictate what is right for a grown man? From what I  _ do _ know of the industry, this question probably seems inane. But the meaning still stands. _

_ When I knew Mark Lee, he wasn’t ever tired. He was exuberant, probably one of the unintentionally funniest people I’ve ever met, and excited about his job. He got stressed, yes, but he was not unhappy. The first time I saw him upset was when everything started getting leaked. Let me clarify--the first leak didn't hurt him. He couldn't care less. But as time went on and his fucking company, always that damn company, responded harsher and harsher to him about it, I saw the real impact it all had on him. He signed up to be an entertainer, not a toy. _

_ I'm not sorry for the situation because nothing we did was  _ wrong _. I have become a victim not of the consequences of my actions but of the insanity all of you have fallen victim to. Mark Lee's life is not yours and he has never been your toy. And my name is not yours. I'm done being accused of shit I never did and I'm so fucking tired of everyone thinking something is deeper than what it is--was. Sometimes a rose is just a rose; sometimes a friendship is just a friendship. Full stop. _

_ This is my statement on the matter. Please leave me and my friends alone and please do not contact me for further information. I have nothing more to say. This account will be deactivated shortly, please do not try to find my new social media handles. Good night everyone. _

Donghyuck posted the Twitter thread shortly after eight in the evening, having poured over it for most of the day, editing and rearranging swear words and contemplating what exactly he wanted to say. And he got across what he wanted: to be left alone.

For once in his life, Donghyuck was mad. One of the most visceral things a person can feel is anger, uninhibited and all-consuming. He's mad about the fact he typed 400 words lying about the ten fucking days he spent with Mark Lee, lying to his fans and honestly probably Mark himself at this point. He's mad because he was  _ never _ supposed to be involved with this, never should have to close his social media because of possessive and insane fans who believe it’s their right to feel offended when their idol has a life that does not involve them. 

And he was also, at the very core of it all, stupid. It wasn’t only Jaemin or Jeno that had warned Donghyuck of the outcomes, of all the potential fates and repercussions for his thing with Mark, it had been Mark too and it had been his own damn fucking self.

It was gone though. The idiocy and rush of adrenaline and  _ Mark _ ; it was all faded, memories becoming fainter and hazier in Donghyuck's mind and as he closed his laptop, shifting it to his floor, curling up into his blanket, he decided this was the last time he would think about it. More like force himself to think about it, but the sentiment was the same.

**_Day Thirty Six: Monday_ **

"Donghyuck," Jaemin's voice was lilting, dangerous. "Your statement is trending right now. People want justice for Mark."

"I don't want to talk about it. Him." Jaemin shared a look with Jeno, and Donghyuck sighed before explaining.

"I'm done. I said my goodbyes to him with that statement." He smiled, brokenly, hoping to ease the twin looks of disbelief on their faces. "I know it's going to take time, but I'm done dwelling on it. Okay?"

And they moved on.

**_Day Thirty Seven: Tuesday_ **

Chamomile had sent a cease and desist letter. After some minor research following a near-breakdown, Donghyuck had figured out it wasn’t really legally binding, but he knew the message was there. It was a warning, a thinly veiled threat; keep Mark’s name out of your mouth. 

He took the letter into his room, settled into his bed. Opened up his journal, curling into himself, and wrote.

**_Day Forty: Friday_ **

_ dear mark, _

_ i sent you a twitter dm the other day and i got fucking blocked. first off, i was mainly doing that to be a dramatic bitch and because i didn’t expect anybody actually  _ read _ the dms, and second off, why was this what pushed whoever runs your account to block me? i posted my statement nearly a week ago, and before i deactivated i wasn’t blocked, and i assume that somebody in the pr department did a search for my new account once i did deactivate.  _

_ but whatever, it doesn’t even matter, i never expected for you to reply anyways. i’ve just been so in my fucking head not about missing you, not about how fucking  _ in love _ with you i am, how much i want to kiss you, but by the fact i didn’t. know. you. and you didn’t know me. _

_ I know this is the entire lesson i’ve been supposed to learn the entire time but you didn’t know shit about me. you saw my room, you passed out in my car, you met my fucking friends, but you only knew my fucking name and my taste in fucking music. and i hate the fact that i let someone who didn’t  _ know _ me destroy my fucking life. _

_ i gave you my name. i gave you my fucking heart and i gave you parts of myself i don’t really want back anymore but i will not allow you to take away memories that have always been mine to keep and live in. at this point i don’t even want a fucking apology, as if you’d ever even be given the opportunity to give me one. take the games, take my name, act as if i didnt fucking ruin your life, take it all. i’m starting to trick myself into believing that i didn’t want to be with you, i just wanted to have somebody who made me think i fucking mattered. _

**_Day Forty-Four: Friday_ **

Jaemin happened to be his saving grace this time.

It’s gradual, it always is gradual, that idea of growing around and from something that for a time you only imagined growing into. But Jaemin of all people was always  _ there, _ always listening, maybe not always kindly, but perhaps Donghyuck needed unkind.

For a time, the idea of routine and consistency scared Donghyuck, spontaneity dripping not from his veins but from his energy, the need to do something  _ more _ and something  _ new _ sometimes overtaking any other thought in his mind. But for now, he was living in the newfound routine he’d found; everyday he would sit with his friends at lunch, not  _ thinking _ , actively working on things outside of school and preparing for the eventual loss of this routine. And Jaemin would come over whenever he had the time, usually Wednesdays and Fridays, and they would watch movies and Hyuck would give him advice for new sketches he was working on and it was all so soothing.

Sometimes he would get sad again, but it wasn’t ever really intentional. It would just wash over him when he was trying to think and he would be listening to his playlist and then he would listen to that one song that was country-sounding, and he would start  _ thinking _ and then it would all spiral.

But then he would text Jeno or Jaemin, and they would talk him down, remind him of the fact he was growing and that nothing was tying him to Mark anymore. And it was true; he continued to move along.

* * *

Life goes on. Donghyuck starts writing, and although there are a  _ lot _ of things he needs to work on (how the fuck do you stop switching tenses while writing in first person? whack), it’s relieving. He picks up an old plot he started in junior high, taking apart the bare minimum he had written then and created new details, fixed things that made no fucking sense, and he poured over his journal and created his timeline.

Things started falling into place, one by one. Jaemin started getting ready to move to Ohio, not necessarily preparing for college, just preparing for being gone. He packed up old medals and trophies from elementary and junior high, threw away birthday cards that used to seem so important that didn’t really have meaning anymore. They all came over to help, Jeno being the one to move the boxes that Jaemin knew he wouldn’t probably need until he graduated up into their attic. By the end of the day, his closet had been cleared of his things and only his clothes stayed hanging.

And Jeno got his acceptance to a nearby junior college, one that had a small but decent basketball team, and they all celebrated these mini victories. Hyuck still didn’t really know what he wanted to do, despite the fact he’d started writing; he had started applying for jobs locally, trying to find anything to help support himself because he and his mom had already had the long conversation on how Donghyuck needed to do  _ something _ while he was at home. Hyuck didn’t mind, not at all, he just wished it was easier to find something  _ interesting _ to do.

Chenle and Jisung had started to find more underclassmen to talk to, slowly accepting the realization that their friends were all seniors and they wouldn’t always be there to protect the two. Overall, the change was cloyingly sweet, thick and suffocating but Donghyuck was high on all of it. It was new and exciting and yes a bit fucking terrifying but so grounding for him.

He was happy to know that despite the fact Jaemin and Jeno would be breaking up at the end of the summer, it wasn’t destroying them. Permanent love wasn’t the point, and it wasn’t as if there was no way the two would never get back together, they just simply knew long distance wasn’t them. There was also that understanding that they wanted to try growing away from each other, finding new people to date and kiss and it was honestly really interesting for Donghyuck to think they were okay with that. And even if they weren’t  _ okay _ with it, they at least understood.

* * *

It was the night of his Baccalaureate. He was collecting sea glass (or, as Jeno pointed out, beach glass. Donghyuck didn't really give a shit) and just. Thinking.

There's a strangeness that covers teenagedom that Hyuck realized was fading. He wasn't  _ sad _ , it was hard to be sad about leaving school, but he couldn't help but wonder what the fuck he was doing. Truth be told, he wasn't the most organized near-highschool graduate. He made a solid 21 on his ACT and was somewhere in the top 50 of his class not out of some miraculous work ethic or determination but simply because it just--it was what he was told he needed to do. And for once in his fucking life, Donghyuck regretted not trying harder. At least if he was going to college his future would seem more solidified, more  _ real _ .

His two best friends were on a date before the service and Donghyuck was alone picking up bits of frosted glass from a beach that they would never visit in five years. It was revealing, and he was fucking terrified of the overwhelming fact that things changed. Jaemin left for fucking Ohio in three months and Jeno would be a college student with his own priorities and new friends and despite all of the promises and whispered assurances in the quiet of his room with the wax burner and perpetually messy disposition, they wouldn't outlast  _ time _ .

_ But _ , Donghyuck vaguely thought, kneeling down to pick up a piece of orange class,  _ they never promised him their time _ .

* * *

Graduation came and faded, and Donghyuck did cry. Their families all went out together to a barbeque downtown, Chenle and Jisung hitching a ride with Donghyuck, and at the end of the night their server with her Australian accent presented each of them with ice cream covered brownies and they all sang a rendition of Happy Birthday because they hadn't come up with a graduation song.

They all went to Donghyuck's after for a final trampoline sleepover and he ended up falling to pieces when he went to the linen closet to grab the blankets and Jaemin and Jeno just knew, because despite the fact they couldn't ever really  _ know _ Donghyuck, they  _ understood _ , and that's what counted most.

"Like, sorry for being so fucking--I don't know, in my feelings the past few months but I can't help it, honestly," They sat in a big pile after they had managed to get the blankets and pillows situated on the trampoline and found themselves in a repeat situation; a crying Donghyuck with too much on his mind and being unable to properly convey what he meant.

"I wish things could've been different, do you know what I mean. Where I could've found  _ something _ to care about in college and go with Jeno and find my niche, and most likely end up dropping out." Donghyuck smiled at Chenle and Jisung, watery, a bit wistfully. "At least I can hang with you two, right?"

"Hyuckie," Jaemin calls out. "This isn't a goodbye, not right now, at least. We have three months to make more memories before we all go our separate ways and yes, one day we'll probably leave each other and that just eats me up inside but, dude," A shoulder rub, and smirk. "You can't keep living in the future.  _ We _ can't keep doing that. So take it not as a goodbye but a see you later because I can assure you, I can't leave you just yet."

They watched a teenage coming-of-age movie they had found in junior high on some pirate website and they cried (Donghyuck couldn't really say he ever stopped crying) and passed out at some time in the early morning. They woke up and he sent them all on their way, holding Jaemin and Jeno close but Chenle and Jisung closer because despite it all, he couldn't help but feel for them, and he walked up the stairs to his room and felt it all, absorbed the goodbye of the past night and welcomed in the new day. He sat at his desk, and he wrote.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter three WILL get done it's been my main motivator to get this one done but it'll be a bit. just note that this chapter forced me to take a HUGE detour in terms of overall plot and ending of the fic but that i am still dedicated to getting this DONE WITH. hopefully my winter break will help! in any case i love u guys thank u if u stopped back in for the update, hope to see u late next month!  
> (i didn't go thru an edit like i wish i could've and it's overall not my best work but just. it's inconsequential at this point)

**Author's Note:**

> few disclaimers  
> -i haven't been to an airport since i was 9  
> -i have never trained with a kpop company before; that entire subplot is based off of the assumptions we make in tandem with rumours and first-hand experiences i've heard  
> -i have no idea how to write kiss scenes.  
> -i have had this bet'd by several people but i know there are some things we didn't check, i'm sorry  
> and finally  
> -i have never finished a fic longer than Maybe 14k. and that was four years ago. and that is still unfinished. so i hope i can manage to get the last two chapters in for this one.  
> love u gais follow my instagram faewyhyuck and my tumblr beomuwu for any updates on this fic OR my twitter (same @ as my insta) but i cant say for sure id announce it there.
> 
> edit 1/18/20: marking this as complete because. well. i feel very stagnant with this story and the characterizations of mark and hyuck. i was in a very specific mindset when i started writing this and this fic brings me back to it and despite the fact it was all happy and it wasn't depressing im no longer there and i dont feel like ill be able to recreate that feeling in this. so. i will be writing more nct fic so i hope u all can stop in from time 2 time...thank u for ur support in what ive done for this story.


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